mercy in the middle

Guess who?

2005-11-13T20:56:00.000-05:00

now playing: something on the radio... should probably know it... oooh, oooh, 'breathe' - is that faith hill? maybe... ah well, maybe next time

Hello everyone! Jen here!

Have you recovered from the shock yet? No, not quite? Well here's some more...

Ready?

I'm married (wedding pictures to come).

I'm living in Calgary.

We have an apartment of our own (more pictures to come).

I'm making bread.

I get Starbucks tea and coffee for free.

I have more free time than I've had in years, quite literally.

I'm going to blog again.

The question is, which of these is the most shocking?

See you later!

Jen (Barker) Davidson

Guess What?

2005-05-23T09:45:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since i posted, i know. But i've REALLY got something worth posting about:

I'm engaged!

His name is Kenneth, he's originally from Calgary but currently from Thunder Bay. He met me at the airport last night with two dozen long-stemmed red roses. He then proceeded to take me out to a candlelit dinner in the field by the house, a three-course meal served by the entire Interpreter's House clan. He proposed between steak and dessert, and made me the happiest girl in the world.

P.S. Yes, it's the same Kenneth from before, the one that dumped me a couple of times. But it's ok, he got better. (By which i mean that he realized i was the best thing that ever happened to him and came back ;) )

meh.. {another way to have a title thats not}

2004-12-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

now playing: First Cut is the deepest - Sheryl Crowe

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!

asdf. one of the best ways to have a title that's not.

2004-10-28T19:56:00.000-04:00

now playing: les miserables - a little fall of rain

Ok, here's another Jen update:

The free entertainment known as 'the Kennifer' is no more.
I'm spending a couple hours each day typing out greek notes (no, i can't read greek, but i can type it).
I am on a huge 'les miserables' kick again (that's right, again - it happens every few years...).
I think i'm leaving thunder bay for a few months. No, i wasn't kicked out or anything. I'm being sent on a personal mission trip, or something of the sort.
I am experiencing the intricacies of booking agencies. More on that as soon as i get a 'yay' or a 'nay' from a certain band...

Yeah, basically my life's as crazy as normal. :)

For my fans...

2004-10-02T01:17:00.000-04:00

now playing: nothing much... but jenny's studying in the background, does that count?

Yes, there IS a reason you're still linked to my blog.

Hmmm. Where do i start? Well, since i last posted i moved out for the first time, took my first 24-hour bus ride, got my first bouquet of flowers, went on my first date, was dumped my first time, pulled off my first 'just friends' routine, went on my first date-that-doesn't-end-in-getting-dumped, cooked my first brown rice (anti-climactic, i know), handed out my first resume (not quitting LiMiT, just looking for a part-time job)... What can i say? It's been an adventure.

And, since i know you'll all be really mad if i just leave it here... his name is Kenneth, he loves politics (conservative), he has leadership and discernment gifts, he is opinionated & domineering, and wears pink slippers. And although we're not 'official', we get along quite well, thank you very much :)

And now the awkward bit, where i realize that a) you guys are going to think he's a monster unless i get all mushy or something, and b) he's going to read this and i can't possibly let him think i think too highly of him. How to respond? Maybe next time you'll hear from him... and make your own judgments... mwahahaha.

Odds and Ends

2004-08-20T19:05:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - where i began

I got a perm on Tuesday. Yep, that's right, a perm. Meaning that i have to learn to deal with a huge ball of fluff formerly known as my hair. After 21 years of relative innocence, i finally am required to master the various forms of hair-styling: i came back from zellers with gel, mousse, special shampoo, and deep-acting conditioner - oh the insanity! I mean, i do LIKE my new hair... i'm just not sure what to do WITH it. But, it had to come eventually... my days of 'hide it under a hoodie' seem to be over, at least for the time being.

...

And now, after having tried to add to this post THREE times, i quit. What you see is what you get. Maybe tomorrow i'll be able to tell you about Allista and Korandoth, or spiritual restoration, or why i no longer have the urge to blog eight times a week. Until then... keep blogging, and don't be TOO mad that i don't ;)

The Bancroft Connection

2004-08-03T09:34:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - the danse

It's a scientifically established fact: Every Christian in Canada is no more than three degrees of seperation from Bancroft. Which means that they're no more than four degrees of seperation from Peterborough. Maybe three and a half.

The first time i visited First Baptist in Thunder Bay this summer, i was invited out for lunch with a group of college students. As we all introduced ourselves, we found out that my sister and i weren't the only people there from the Burough. There was another girl there, as well. She had grown up in Peterborough, gone to school at... funny, the same private school that i did. Attended highschool at... my highschool. In fact, it turned out that she lived down the street from us. I delivered her paper when i was 14, her sister babysat us once (we had a lot of one-timers who couldn't be paid enough to come back), and my sister raked her lawn last year.

So, this weeked in Dryden, i should have expected that i would have found more connections. And did i ever! I ended up meeting the CareForce team that Erin C was on last year (i went to school with her, and to college with her sister), the leaders of the CareForce team lived in Peterborough for six weeks, her parents lived in Peterborough until this past Saturday and attended Westmount. AND, currently on the team is Caleb W's older sister. Yes, it's the Bancroft connection.

And, every year at Interpreter's House there has always been a student from Peterborough or Bancroft, sometimes both - impressive, since there's at the most 12 students each year, and they're from all over North America. Dan T (bancroft), me (peterborough), Suzanne A (bancroft), and now Star is coming to continue the grand tradition!

I am quickly developing a reputation of having a LOT of contacts. I tell you, once you're in with Bancroft, you're in.

Mission: Altogether Likely

2004-08-02T19:11:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - mistake of my life

Mission: Family trip to Dryden, four hours away
Objective: To set up a friend with the boy of her choice
Team: Most of the people who live in my house and are under 23 - a total of six.
Equipment: Two cars with full tanks of gas. Bribes provided for those who weren't willing to stay the entire weekend. A phone card to call various workplaces. Sleeping bags. Bathing suits. Full entourage of make-up and hair accessories.
Briefing: Activities included water-skiing and tubing, swimming, wind-surfing, water trampoline, wood-fueled sauna (that reached 230 degrees), reading, movies, board games, video games, lots of good food, fire-roasted marshmallows, four-wheelers, and dirt bikes.

Mission: Accomplished. The first night, no less.
Actually, all we had to do was show up. Oh, and listen to the stories after the fact. And try to convince said boy that the father of said friend might actually allow them to date. Craziness.

I learned to wind-surf
:D

2004-07-24T02:09:00.000-04:00

now playing: absolute silence. that is, except for the computer fan. and the lights humming in the next room. and the keyboard (this one's noisier than my laptop)... ok, so there's no music playing.

Here i am, in the cool-verging-on-cold of Thunder Bay, waiting for an online Settlers of Catan game to start so i can join... a new hobby that i discovered a couple weeks ago and am immensely enjoying. We'll see how long it keeps me occupied. I say another two weeks before my position on the ladder is too depressing to derive any enjoyment from the game...

Booked my flight home for the end of August, haven't booked my flight back to Thunder Bay though (yes that's right, it's official, TBay owns me for at least one more year). I have a job and everything: i'm planning a youth conference in Thunder Bay for March. And it'll probably take me most of the year, too, but i might be able to get a part-time job to help support the ministries here (tim hortons here i come!).

In other news... i highly recommend Bourne Supremacy. Stinkin' good movie. I don't have my license yet, but i'm definitely working on it. I have a deadline: August 14th. If i'm done by then, i can have the family van while i'm home alone for a whole week. The pressure's on.

Oh, oh, funny story. I answered the phone today, and a lady wanted to know about Interpreter's House. That's fine, i've been through the program and know lots of the answers, so i asked if i could help her. Apparently someone she knows (no details given) is thinking about coming to the school, and she wants to check out our doctrine. Fair enough, i'd do the same. So she starts asking me what we teach about end times. I say that we don't emphasize end times at all. She thinks i'm trying to skirt the issue and presses harder: how do you teach revelation? Well ma'am, we don't really cover revelation except in New Testament survey in second year, and it's an independent study. She seems to accept this, but my relief is short-lived when she starts to ask whether we're 'Calvinist'. I tentatively answer that we are, which she proceeds to use to springboard back into eschatology - "When i say 'Calvinist', i mean do you interpret revelation literally or as an allegory?" At this point i realize that someone far more delicate than i needs to handle the situation, so i refer her to our director's home number.

Proof once again that our Christian community knows far too much and believes far too little. I mean... ESCHATOLOGY first on the list of important doctrinal issues? Ahead of SOTERIOLOGY (which never was actually brought up)???

And... that's all. There is no more. Unless Star comes to Thunder Bay. In which case... well... i'll write a whole blog just for her. :D

Updates

2004-07-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - standing up for nothing

Haven't posted in a while... mostly busy, partly restless.

To update:
Our first camp (junior girls) was cancelled, due to our nearly-ablsolute lack of camper applications.
My sister is up here visiting for a couple of weeks (hence our nearly-absolute lack of applications).
Alex Morrison is the 5th-best chess-player in Canada for his age group. I live in his house.
We've spent the past week doing work outside (weed-wacking & mowing the extensive backyard, weeding, watering, making a rock garden, etc.) and inside (cooking, cleaning, baking, painting, moving furniture). I don't think i've done ANY paperwork since friday, and i know i haven't done any youthinc stuff since monday. A change is as good as a rest... or something...
Jenny and i tried to make caramel sauce last night. Using gramma's recipe and everything. We failed miserably. It wouldn't thicken to anything more than a thin soup. So we added a pile of corn syrup, and made do. Tomorrow we're going to try rum sauce (with an internet recipe, we've given up on gramma).
I learnt how to make hemp necklaces the other night. So far i've made 1 3/4.
I still love bread. I can get a fresh loaf from safeway for $1.25. Beautiful.

I've run out of news. Maybe i'll have more tomorrow.

Pride and Prejudice

2004-07-01T11:04:00.000-04:00

now playing: evan & jaron - the distance

Last night we watched Pride and Prejudice, with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle. I found myself explaining that i don't usually like romances, but Jane Austen stories are usually so hard to relate to - because of the whole social system - that they're more entertaining. Boy was i wrong. You see, i've been every one of those daughters, at one point or another.

I've been the prudish Mary who shuns all pleasure as being 'ungodly', and hides her insecurity by generously distributing platitudes that she expects to be needed and desired. Who, as soon as she knows she lacks acceptance, decides that she never wanted acceptance in the first place.

I've been Lydia, who 'falls in love' with the rogue, more excited with loving and being loved than the man himself, and who flaunts her 'good fortune' while others plot for her escape.

I've been Kitty, who looks on Lydia with envy, who knows that Lydia's causing trouble for herself and for everyone around her, yet still wishes that it could've been her.

I've been Jane, who does everything she can to suppress her emotions, to try to protect herself from the man she thinks she loves.

In fact, the daughter i'm least like is Lizzy, the one i love and admire most.

So, although i heartily enjoyed all 5-odd hours of the movie, i'm left with an odd taste in my mouth. Part of it is about watching ways my life could've turned out - and thanking God that He saved me from so many mistakes. Part of it is trying to renounce men completely if they're so stupid as Bingley and Darcy seemed to be. And part of it is wondering where MY Mr. Darcy is.

Yes, jen just might be a sentimentalist after all.

Lots of exciting stuff

2004-06-28T18:42:00.000-04:00

now playing: tori amos - a sorta fairytale

now reading: j. k. rowling - harry potter & the chamber of secrets

now sitting on my bedside table waiting to be read:
agatha christie - the secret adversary
agatha christie - crooked house
robert ludlum - the bourne supremacy
thomas hardy - far from the madding crowd
mary stewart - the last enchantment

now in the waiting line for a coveted 'bedside table' position:
terry pratchett - the amazing maurice and his educated rodents
terry pratchett - guards! guards!

I had the entire weekend off. It was beautful. And definitely needed. I got up early saturday morning and went gararge-saling with jenn. She's moving in to The House, so she was looking for furniture, etc. I was looking for sports equipment and stuff for camp. We both had tons of fun, got to know each other a bit better, and came out with some darn good deals. Like a goose-down king-sized duvet, only slightly used, with cover - all for $34. Which meant jenn saved... $360. Better believe it :) I also found Myst III for $2, and proceeded to play it all weekend, with some of the girls. I'm almost done - we beat 4 worlds, and are on the last one. And yeah, we had some help from a site... but only when we NEEDED it.

So... played Myst and watched movies and read all weekend. Today i wrapped up a whole pile of administrative details regarding camp, mowed the lawn, went through some of the worship songs with jenn, and now i'm about to have my first piano lesson. That's right, after an extended leave of absence from the piano (about 8 years, actually), i'm taking it up again. I was fooling around today, going over my scales, and i was impressed by how well i remembered all my major scales! I stumbled on F (the fingering's different), and my left-handed B was REALLY bad, but other than that i remembered ALL the scales without even thinking about it! I guess those weeks and weeks and weeks of going over scales actually worked! Whodathunk?

I have nothing else to say... blog lots, vote as your conscience dictates, and never put off 'til tomorrow the fun you could safely have today.

How i know stephen

2004-06-24T08:14:00.000-04:00

I'm kid-sitting stephen right now. He's been helping me write letters. We've already written to jag, code, and star, and now we're writing to whoever reads my blog.

Stephen here! I'm seven years old. I live in Thunder Bay, Ontario.

I met stephen when he started coming to my kids club a couple of years ago. It started out at a babysitting service - some parents with small children were having a bible study and wanted me to take care of the kids. But it turned into a kids club because the kids wanted to learn about God.

Stephen's shy - he doesn't want to say anything else (because he's trying to figure out what he's going to put on his OWN website that we made yesterday.

T minus two weeks and counting...

2004-06-20T18:44:00.000-04:00

now playing: once again, absolutely nothing. my computer's about to crash, and i think that opening up my media player might be the last straw.

It's exactly two weeks until our first leadership training camp. And as of yet, we don't have any applicants. We're praying, though. Praying hard.

I finished our worship book yesterday... was just looking at it now to see if i can spot anything that desperately needs to be fixed, but it seems to be ok. A bit busy, maybe, but i like it.

I'm also working on some debriefing tools. Basically, they're diagrams to visually communicate, say, the relationship between team task and individual, or how a person grows (unconsciously incompetent -> consciously incompetent -> consciously competent -> unconsciously competent). Then we use them after the team completes (or doesn't complete) an activity, so that they can visualize what they did right and what they did wrong, as well as where they're growing. The tools are all already designed, but i'm putting them onto big sheets of bristol board or something, and then we'll probably laminate them. Then we can use them outside and write on them with a light pen... cutting edge, state-of-the art technology!

I DON'T WANT TO EAT A GUITAR!!!

So, if i've made it onto your prayer list, you can pray for:
- campers
- scholarships for campers that can't afford to come
- open & eager churches
- oh, and i still don't know where i need to be in september

God is good. The only question is how He's going to show us next.

PS. I was SO looking forward to voting for the Canada Action Party - it's a fringe anti-NAFTA party and the Peterborough candidate is pro-life - but i talked to him this afternoon, and he's withdrawn from the runnings. Sigh. Back to the drawing board. I've got 'til 6pm on Tuesday to figure all this out.

Making my Mountains

2004-06-18T21:18:00.000-04:00

now playing: absolutely nothing. must not be on my own computer

Hmmm... i had grand plans of making this blog interesting. But now... nothing. Not to mention that this keyboard is a weird shape, and it's taking twice as long to type...

Ooooh, i remember! I climbed Mount Mckay yesterday - it's not exactly the Rockies, but 1000 feet is as close as you get to a mountain anywhere around here. You pay $5 to drive halfway up the mountain to a lookout point, with a memorial thing, and some sort of site for a powwow (i'm sure there's some official name, but i'm not sure what it is). Then there's a little trail that climbs up around the back of the mountain, and goes all the way to the top, where it's just as flat as it looks. It was a beautiful view of the city and the lake, definitely worth the half-hour hike. We didn't see any bears (thankfully), the bugs only ate us a little, and i didn't even get sunburnt! All in all, tiring, but good fun.

See that dent in the otherwise round mountain? Where the trees are? That's where the trail is, we didn't actually have to climb up the cliff face.

We were actually hiking up the mountain because we're hoping to take our campers up it. Hike up the mountain, scare off the bears, run some team development activities at the top, eat a picnic lunch (a good ways away from the edges), could be interesting... i'll let you know if anyone dies ;)

Politics

2004-06-16T10:14:00.000-04:00

now playing: river deep - sweet insomnia. british group, heard them a few years ago in ptbo, bought their cd, haven't heard anything about them since.

Apparently there's a vote coming up in a few days. And i don't really know much of anything about politics. So i watched part of the debates last night. 20 minutes into it, i realized i wasn't really listening to anything they said, i was just watching their (rather amusing) facial expressions. So i gave up.

Basically, as my friends and i decided last night, we just want to keep people alive. Unborn babies (which rules out liberals, ndps, AND the green party), innocent people in foreign countries (which sounds like it rules out the conservatives), and poor/homeless people (which might indeed make me a socialist). Oh, and keep the environment alive, too. So what does that make me? Ironically, i'm probably closest to Bloc Quebecois... except that i looked it up, and it's an exclusively Quebecois party.

So, when one of my friends decides to start her own party and run for MP (with the slogan - "Let's keep people alive!"), i'll be her biggest supporter. And this blog will turn political. Until then... i'll leave the politics to those who think there's a good choice and want to fight for it (like EVERYONE in thunder bay).

Sunday Saga

2004-06-13T20:03:00.000-04:00

now playing: newsboys - breathe on me

Church today - i woke up at 9:15 to realize that my ride was already in the driveway and had, for all i knew, been waiting there for 15mins. However, i was outside in 3mins flat, and nobody was upset :). i went to farrand street bible chapel (my thunder bay 'home' assembly). I was considering going to lakehead baptist (just for robin) but they were having some sort of sunday school picnic that i didn't really want to intrude on (although we got the leftovers, woohoo!). It was good to be back at farrand street, though. Almost everyone stopped to talk to me, and the chairman made an announcement that i was back (twice). One of the elders made sure i knew that he and his wife were going to have me over for dinner one day... another couple offered me rides whenever i needed them... i had almost forgotten how much that church makes me feel loved. Some of the other churches i could go to have incredible teaching... but it's just not the same as a church where everyone knows your name and wants to take care of you.

After church i got a ride halfway home, to the mall. Went shopping for a bit, bought a bulletin board, got a membership at roger's video, rented a movie... then walked the rest of the way home. I think it took me 45mins to walk. Might have been less if i was wearing shoes instead of berkenstocks, but i made it with only one blister. More relaxing than biking (not to mention less painful, in spite of the blister), and besides, i'd NEVER have been able to bike my bulletin board home.

I watched the movie, Matchstick Men, with some of my friends/roommates/surrogate family. I had already seen most of it, at my brother's place, but i had to leave before it was done. So i watched it again... and couldn't believe all the stuff i missed! I mean, we're talking SERIOUS plot twists, that i had by no means predicted, or even anticipated in any way. Definitely worth the rental - even twice.

Farrand street doesn't have an evening service, so i usually tag a ride with someone else to their church. Tonight, however, i forgot. And i think everyone else forgot about me too, because when i wandered down to the kitchen and realized it was 7:00, everyone else was already gone. I don't mind, though. It's nice to have the house to myself. I cleaned up my room, plotted 46 churches on a map on my new bulletin board, did my laundry, washed some dishes, ate some food, and now i'm going to watch another movie. Or maybe read a book and watch the storm that seems to be about to happen. Oh, there it goes! I love storms :)

Well, that's it for my saga of today. Good thing this doesn't happen very often :)

Training Camps

2004-06-12T16:21:00.000-04:00

now playing: dashboard confessional - as lovers go

It's ladies'-training-weekend here at the house. Which means that about 10 ladies came to the house last night, and again today (all day). Lectures, team development activities, frontloading/debriefing, conflict resolution... haven't seen anyone crying, but the day's not over yet.

There are good points to living at Interpreter's House during something like this. For one, we get any leftover food. Like chocolate cheesecake and fresh pineapple and oriental salad with chicken breasts... yeah, life is good. :) And, even with the large number of vehicles in our driveway, we've only been blocked in once so far.

At the same time, it's sort of... alarming? to walk into your bathroom in the morning, and see someone you don't know already in there, fixing her hair or something. And, although this house is big (VERY big), it definitely feels smaller when there's a group of ladies running conflict resolution in the classroom. I try to stay in my room whenever possible.

Welcome to Interpreter's House.

Some have said that the word 'ordinary' describes a normal state of affairs. Personally, i see no proof that such a concept exists.

Definitions

2004-06-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - i will sing
now reading: j.k. rowling - harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban
terry pratchett - jingo
mary stewart - the hollow hills
alister mcgrath - knowing christ

Discontentment:
When your dreams are bigger than you believe God CAN perform.
When your dreams are smaller than the work God IS performing.
When your dreams are have nothing to do with God at all.

Huzzah for birthday presents!

2004-06-10T16:59:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - thankful, off their new cd 'Chronicles'

And i am now, at this very moment, listening to my very own long-awaited Chronicles cd.

No further comment needed.

Holding out

2004-06-09T14:37:00.000-04:00

now playing: bonnie tyler - holding out for a hero

Bonnie Tyler scares me. Ever since my brother introduced introduced me to her a couple years ago by showing me her "Total Eclipse of the Heart" music video... i mean, come on guys, don't YOU think it's sort of disturbing to see all those guys with glowing eyes dancing around in loincloths? And then to find out that all these men she's been dreaming about are... wait for it... her STUDENTS??? Yeah, i'm STILL alarmed. I left the room before i saw any more traumatizing videos.

Yet, after seeing Shrek2, i had to download this song. Although i'll gladly admit that i appreciate both Jennifer Saunder's version (from the Shrek2 soundtrack) AND Frou-Frou's remix better than Bonnie's original.

Speaking of which, the Shrek2 soundtrack is a lot of fun. Stream it from msn.com. I probably won't buy it, but it's worth streaming a few times.

Busyness

2004-06-06T02:05:00.000-04:00

now playing: city on a hill (technically, jars of clay)- this road

In the past four? no five days, Melissa and i have done the following:
1. Come up with a name for the ministry we're working with ('youth incorporated' - aka 'youthinc')
2. Designed logo for said ministry
3. Created and posted website
4. Designed sample daily camp schedule for the summer camps we're running
5. Contacted about 60 churches regarding said camps
6. Designed a brochure
7. Faxed brochure to 13 churches, emailed to 10 churches and 30 individual youth
8. Designed a poster to go with the brochures
9. Painstakingly started to print and fold brochures - 36 so far
10. Started to hand out brochures - 6 done

I love it. Who needs sleep when you can do stuff like this?

Oh, and tonight i went to a college&careers group - it was SO great! We basically just had a sharing and prayer time, and then the guys took off the and girls hung around and talked. Eventually we went to see a movie, too, spur-of-the-moment. It was a really great group, i'm looking forward to get to know them all better. Vulnerable sharing, insightful prayers and comments, fun talks: a good time all-round.

I'm off to bed - i don't even know when church starts in the morning, so i have to be up early enough to be ready. G'nite all.

On biking

2004-06-03T00:33:00.000-04:00

now playing: mercyme - i can only imagine

Lessons i forgot i'd learned:
1. When mom tells me i'm out of shape, she is absolutely right.
2. Bicycle seats are one of the most uncomfortable comforts known to mankind.
3. There is an incalculable difference between slightly downhill and slightly uphill.
4. A slope is never simply a slope: on the way down it's an adventure, on the way up it's torture.
5. No matter how much distance you bike uphill on the way there, the way back always has more.
6. It is incredibly vital that i get my driver's license as soon as possible.

From Thunder Bay

2004-05-31T17:50:00.000-04:00

now playing: star wars theme (alex is whistling/humming/singing in the background)

Well, i made it. I arrived at Interpreter's House at 11ish last night (to the sound of the phone ringing for me... an employee flying in from calgary forgot to keep a copy of his flight info??). Haven't really started work here yet, but i've chatted with Melissa about what this ministry is going to look like, and it sounds quite exciting. I'll let you know as soon as our website's up, i think it'll be a combination of a blog (go figure) and a traditional website.

i think it took until i was in the airplane for it to sink in that i was actually going to thunder bay. It usually works that way - i was so caught up with finishing well in ptbo that in some ways tbay felt more like a dream than a reality. And, at the same time, there's so few links between my life here and my life in peterborough, that travelling almost involves a complete paradigm shift - it's like another dimension or what have you.

But i'm here now, in this alternate dimension, picking up my alternate life where i left off (more or less). Starting with video games, dishes, and helping with groceries and supper. I don't miss peterborough yet... i'm still getting over having missed thunder bay for so long. But i'm sure glad for phones and internet - i know i can get in touch with any of you if i need to. And that's a comfort in itself.

...with His softly spoken words

2004-05-30T02:06:00.000-04:00

now playing: third day - king of glory. off one of the road-trip mixes i made... now not needed, but handy nonetheless

In case you haven't heard, the road-trip's off. I'm still going to Thunder Bay... it'll just be by plane instead of by car. Long story short: Star's on new meds and just finished working nights (she's in no condition to drive anywhere), we had no place to stay (either in Timmins or in the Sault), and the car cost more to fix up than anyone had expected. We just couldn't pull it off.

I'm leaving in the evening, i'm supposed to land in Thunder Bay at 10pm. Which means the goodbyes drag out for another day. I saw my brother again tonight, chilled at his place for awhile... Saw Jag at Timmy's - which was weird, cuz we said our goodbyes last night, but whatever... I'll be seeing everyone at church tomorrow again, so i'll have to say more goodbyes (for some the first time this week, others the second or third).

I've sent off my last patch, and my last database upgrade. Tomorrow i'll update and submit my worklog. This four-and-a-half-year project, that's given me three years of post-secondary education (four if i want) and a laptop, has now officially come to a close. (Technically, however, they have my TBay phone number, and i'm taking my notes with me.)

For some reason, this time leaving is a bigger deal than it's ever been before. Maybe it's because i don't know when i'll be back. Maybe it's because i have the option of moving out of Peterborough, for good. Maybe it's because i now have more good friends here than i've ever had, in my life. Maybe it's because in realizing the absence of physical ties here, i'm stockpiling in the emotional ones.

Time for this far-too-emotional girl to go to bed. Give me 'til Monday morning, and i'll be fine. I'll be working my heart out, with people i love, in a city i love, doing a summer job that sounds like it could've been created just for me. And couldn't it? My God is big enough. He loves me enough. And He made me with exactly the gifts - and the failings - that would best glorify Him. Be glorified in me, O my Father!

Dentists

2004-05-29T02:00:00.000-04:00

now playing: santana - smooth

I went to the dentist on thursday... and while i was in the torture chair, i tried to block out the whole incident by planning what i would blog. Apparently it worked, because i didn't remember it at all until just now.

There's something about the dentist that paralyzes me. Maybe it's the way they can see so clearly into my personal life with one cursory glance: "Jen, do you always eat chocolate for breakfast? You're not using your special electric toothbrush anymore, are you? You've been grinding your teeth - aren't you sleeping well? You really need to brushing AT LEAST sixteen times each day!"

And then there's the four-letter 'g' word: GINGIVITIS. The mere mention of this word sends most of us cowering in fear, glancing side to side, half-expecting little green monsters to break through the doors. Fear is the dentist's biggest tool, and the commercial industry has worked its heart out over this one.

I hate to disappoint my dentist. I hate the "tsk-tsk"ing and the "now Jen, you KNOW"s. Don't get me wrong, my dentist isn't a tyrant, and it's mostly self-inflicted, but the sense of disapproval and failure that can be instilled in me in just one visit can keep me touchy for days. And yet... somehow it's never enough to make me floss after every meal. Or change my toothbrush every month. Or coat my teeth with toothpaste before going to bed every night. Fear and shame is powerful... but not THAT powerful.

Somehow, this ties into my relationship with God. Because i can so easily fall into a 'fear and shame' mindset that doesn't actually lead to change. It leads to a 'gee i hope i get things right before God finds out' lifestyle. A lifestyle of cowering fear, hiding in my sins, wondering when the hammer's going to fall when God's going to call me to account. Wondering when the next dentist appointment is going to be.

What's the solution? Give up my stubborn rebellion. Give myself over to love. To loving the One who is every solution, because He IS.

Getting closer...

2004-05-28T03:14:00.000-04:00

now playing: nickelback - how you remind me

Have you ever noticed that, when you're tired, you just click on whatever buttons are biggest and brightest? Yeah... in the last half-hour i started to create a new blog, restarted my computer, just about cancelled the cd i was burning, and i suspect i almost reformatted my hard drive. And none of it was intentional.

One more day of work. One more day of desperate last-minute planning and packing. One more party. One more outing with ptbo friends. One more really late night (i expect). And then... life will be different once again. Maybe i'll be on the road. Maybe i'll be arranging a flight. Maybe i'll be sleeping steadily for 48 hours. But SOMETHING will be different.

Are we having fun yet?

Almost there...

2004-05-27T03:02:00.000-04:00

now playing: simple plan - perfect

It's after 3am and i'm still working. Not that i've been working steadily... i started at 10:30am, worked 'til 5:30 (with short but frequent pizza breaks), started again around 10 (with a few presents and phone calls to mix things up)... and here i am.

Now, the question is, am i:
(a) a workaholic,
(b) realizing the significance of deadlines,
(c) proving that i work best after dark,
(d) on a roll and afraid to stop,
(e) simply insane, or
(f) all of the above?

I'm leaning towards (f). Except i never admit (a) in public.

Ok. I'm just going to make a list of the updates i need to do in the morning... and then zip a couple of patches... and then make a checklist for testing... and THEN i'm going to bed. Promise.

is there any way around it? i can't see...

2004-05-25T23:31:00.000-04:00

now playing: newsboys - always. when i found out jordan played this song on the guitar, he became my hero.

That was fun. I'm tired and head-achy. Parties are fun, goodbyes are hard.

At least they're staggered. The parties AND the goodbyes.

Nicole is hot. And she wants a pony.

2004-05-24T23:26:00.000-04:00

now playing: maroon 5 - harder to breathe

I think i'm going to clean out my bathroom tonight. See, i think there's something about my personality that forces people to give me all sorts of smelly bathroom things. Like scented moisturizing creams and bubble bath and bath salts and little soaps shaped like flowers... that i use maybe once a year, and mostly just sit in my cupboard. So tonight's the night to deal with them all.

Now, i realize that i'm probably setting myself up for a fall, because even though i didn't hugely advertise that my birthday's coming up, someone's BOUND to bring a present to my party, just to make everything awkward. And at LEAST one person is bound to give me some sort of smelly lotion thing. And this blog is going to make me sound terribly ungrateful. HOWEVER, i really do appreciate them. Honestly. Once i got some smelly bodywash stuff for my birthday, and i actually used the whole container. It took me four years... but only because i kept on forgetting it whenever i went to Thunder Bay. And every time i clean out my bathroom, i take all my smelly soapies out of the cupboard and look at them. And - if i'm feeling really adventurous - i even use a teaspoon or so of that litre-bottle of bubble-bath. And i guarantee that after tonight, there'll be lots of room in my cupboard for whatever novelties anyone decides i can't live without.

PS. I am so blessed that Nicole is coming to my party. She even told me so.

Home again

2004-05-24T00:32:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - lead of love

Visited O-town this weekend. Took the bus - 3 1/2 hours there on Saturday morning, 4 1/2 hours back Sunday night. I took a CD/MP3 player, and one of my brother's cds, but it turned out that only about 10 of the songs would actually play properly. So... i listened to the 10 songs. A lot. And then listened to them again, following one instrument at a time. And i must say that i had never realized how beautiful the strings are in three doors down // here without you. What is that, a cello? I also had never realized how monotonous the guitar's part is. The strings make the song, and i had never even noticed them.

Hats off to Shroom's church - everyone was incredibly friendly and welcoming, there was lots of singing (about 6 hymns & as the deer - i thought of you, sickens), they let the charismatic (well, charismatic by the Baptist norm) speak instead of hiding him, he used the ESV (i think someone might've told me once or twice that it's a decent version), and quoted Calvin, Sproul, Piper, and someone else (i THOUGHT he said 'Soren Kierkegarde', but somehow i'm not sure that i believe it). Very Baptist, of course - you can tell as soon as they start going through the announcements: you just KNOW that there's at least one committee behind every change from the regular schedule ;). But all in all... solid teaching, members seemed to be open and loving, small-group setup looked good, they've even got a plurality of elders going on. If i ever move to Ottawa, looks like i'm 'turning baptist'.

Oh, i'm having a party on tuesday. Dinner, movies, chocolate, and coffee (in various forms). So if you read this blog and know where i live, you're probably invited. And if you haven't been personally invited, it's probably because i've been out of town - don't take it personally. So call/email me and let me know you're coming, and i'll see you then.

Quote of the day: "The Welsh are a strange tribe of people - the only people stranger are the Scots."
- speaker at Grace Baptist Church, Ottawa

Amaretto meets Forster

2004-05-20T01:23:00.000-04:00

now playing: matchbox twenty - 3am (i would call it the 'piano acoustic' version except for the sneaking suspicion that someone's going to point out my ignorance... so, i'll just say that it's a beautiful rendition, and a piano's the only accompaniment)

now reading: e. m. forster - howards end

Wow, this book is incredible. I've only put it down twice so far, the first time was to get a drink, the second time is to post about it and attempt to calm myself before i get too carried away and start crying or something.

It's got all the themes of the classic British victorian novel - intellectualism, socialism (oh the horror!), wealth and the mannerisms that come with it, Oxford, young romance (never works), elderly romance (usually consists of elderly man falling for young girl, always works)... along with the stiff-upper-lipped characters that are just SO British:

"It had been a strange love-scene - the central radiance unacknowledged from first to last. She, in his place, would have said 'Ich liebe dich', but perhaps it was not his habit to open the heart. He might have done it if she had pressed him - as a matter of duty, perhaps; England expects every man to open his heart once; but the effort would have jarred him, and never, if she could avoid it, should he lose those defences that he had chosen to raise against the world. He must never be bothered with emotional talk, or with a display of sympathy. He was an elderly man now, and it would be futile or impudent to correct him."

But all through it there's such an incredible character development... i'm not left with an overwhelming awareness of what Margaret says and what she believes as i am with a sense of who she is. So much so that i was able to pin exactly when she fell in love - because she started to change. Little things she did and said were different, and i was so immersed in her character that i was able to pick up on them, and even was able to decide whether or not i liked her choice (he's old enough to be her father - go figure). I don't even know when i realized that the book was no longer about Margaret's family, but about Margaret herself, because although every person and place is orchestrated to reveal something about Margaret, it is managed with such a delicacy and delight that they exist as something in their own right, far greater than tools.

So, a tip of the hat - and a shudder - to British stoicism. Ditto to the elderly romance thing. And if you still need a translator, shroom suggested a good one. AND if you don't understand the significance of the babel fish... i have another book for you to read.

Meal of the day

2004-05-19T13:24:00.000-04:00

now playing: matchbox twenty - disease

Today's recipe: jen seule dans la maison

1. Go to the freezer, remove 1 dozen empty plastic bags.
2. Search until you find something resembling easy-to-cook meat (ie. turkey burgers).
3. Search until you find some form of bread (ie. english muffins).
4. Studiously avoid all vegetables.
5. Dispose of plasic bags in appropriate storage area (NOT the freezer).
6. Cook turkey burger in microwave on high for 1-2 minutes.
7. Broil turkey burger in oven for... the time it takes to check your email and send a response.
8. Flip turkey burger over (here's hoping it wasn't a long email) and add processed cheese. Broil again until the english muffins are done.
9. Toast two english muffins (hint: if you toast them whole once on high, they'll have defrosted enough for you to cut them fairly easily. Then toast them again, on medium).
10. Liberally spread margarine on english muffins.
11. Stylishly arrange turkey burger and english muffins on a plate.
12. Carry meal to your office. Crank the music, check your email again, and post a blog before getting back to work.
12. For dessert: a container of not-really-supposed-to-be-frozen yogurt.
13. Learn to count.

in the middle

2004-05-18T23:53:00.000-04:00

now playing: matchbox twenty - if you're gone

Caught in the middle. Not quite here anymore... but definitely not there.

They tell me that the important part of life isn't the answers to the questions, but the ways you grow while you're looking for them, waiting for them. I've probably said it myself. Well... can i opt out of the growth, just this once? The answer would be really helpful, and save a lot of angst. I'm not asking for my whole future laid out, exactly, i just want to know where i need to be September 1st.

When out of every prayer arises questions,
When all those questions only lead to more,
When doors are slamming faster than they open,
When i can't see the windows for the floor;

When all the worries in my mind are churning
Far faster than they've ever churned before,
When all that i can do is keep on turning
And trust that You will stop this carousel;

When all the gold i've stored is turned to gravel,
When all the words i wrote have turned to dust,
When all the plans i've laid have come to nothing,
When all the friends i've loved have turned away;

When all that i can offer You is nothing,
When all my love is empty as can be,
When all that i would do for You is useless,
My God and Savior, please remember me!

Caught in the middle. But there's mercy in the middle. I almost forgot.

travels

2004-05-17T23:46:00.000-04:00

now playing: the elms - hey hey. and i'm taken back to the years in which i knew don m... who introduced me to the elms and claimed they were the beatles of ccm. interesting guy. drove a yellow k-car station wagon. with male and female washroom signs on the respective doors. called it the 'blue banana'...

I started off my day by making a mental stop in the Ottawa valley, heard from Ottawa itself a couple times, thought of Thunder Bay frequently, chatted with North Bay and Havelock, DIDN'T get a phone call from Goderich OR Belleville (surprising), took a trip to Warsaw and back, visited with a Norwood resident... i think that the only Peterborians that i spoke with all day are my family and the guy at the movie store. Oh, and Jag, but he barely counts because he's not supposed to be in town.

Technology is a very interesting thing. It makes long distances smaller... but somehow it makes short distances longer.

Some days are harder than others

2004-05-16T15:47:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - i just don't want coffee (off their self-titled album)

Went to bed convicted that i've distanced myself from people i should be close to, woke up with the intention of being vulnerable... and was shot in the foot before i had a chance to open my mouth.

So much for that.

now regardless what i choose, we both lose

Maybe i'm just strange...

2004-05-15T18:21:00.000-04:00

Am i the only person in the world whose tastebuds associate bubble-gum flavor with the blue sparkly kids toothpaste? And the blue sparkly kids toothpaste with root beer?

And yet don't really find much of a similarity between root beer and bubble-gum?

Thinking things through

2004-05-15T02:34:00.000-04:00

now playing: some combination of caedmon's, sixpence, third day, sonic flood, and/or FFH - covenant song

Tonight i said goodbye to chris (big-brother-type, going back to school in the morning). And i realized that, for the first time that i can remember, i have no idea when i'll see him again. I leave for thunder bay (at least for the summer) in two weeks. And in the fall he'll be working in ottawa, and i might very well be in thunder bay for good. I can't guarantee thanksgiving home, i don't even know if i can guarantee christmas home.

It just made me realize what a big decision this is. I mean, as much as i love thunder bay dearly, and as much as i consider it 'home' more often than not... there's a lot of people here who i love. And everytime i've gone somewhere before, it was for a definite period of time. There's something about "i'll see you at christmas," or "i'll be back in may" that's reassuring.

But now i'm faced with the option of moving out. Granted, not by myself, i'll be living at Interpreter's House surrounded by people... but still. Filling out change-of-address forms, getting my mail forwarded, changing banks... moving out. Throwing out everything except what i can take with me in a car ride and a flight... (ok, maybe not. Storage is a beautiful thing.) Leaving all the people that i just started to connect with, and yet have so quickly become so vital in my life.

See, this would be easy if only you peterborough people hadn't been so darn loving!

Waiting

2004-05-13T19:53:00.000-04:00

now playing: ashlee simpson - pieces of me

Waiting... for the phone to ring... be it Star or DanD...
Waiting... for my mom's show to end so that we can watch a movie...
Waiting... for tomorrow when i go back to work...
Waiting... for tomorrow night when i can con more people into going out with me again...
Waiting... for dad to buy some more espresso...
Waiting... for the beginning of june when i leave for thunder bay...
Waiting... for whatever point at which i'll have enough information to make a decision about the fall...
Waiting...

If i have so little time, why is so much of it in-between?

Confuzzled

2004-05-12T18:27:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - the rich song
now reading: adam douglas - the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy (volume 1 in the trilogy of 5)

Life just got confusing again.

I'm heading up to thunder bay in a few weeks, to do administration, maybe some mentoring, for a friend of mine in ministry. Which is great. I'm looking forward to it, and can't wait to get back there. There's still some things that we have to sort out (ie. if a road trip is going to be possible), but i talked to her today and she can't wait for me to get there.

The tricky bit comes in where she offered me the job. Like... not just for the summer, but for for the whole school year. AND she told me that the discipleship program i graduated from wants me to come back and help out. Not "sometime in the future after you're done school," but THIS FALL. For the year.

See, this is exactly what i've been dreaming of. Exactly. I mean, there's not all that many opportunities for a young single brethren girl to get into full-time ministry. And i can't imagine any career path besides ministry, as much as i've tried. Except that i thought i was coming back to klbc. And i might still be. Hence the confusion.

So... all you people who i told i was coming back next year... it's not quite as simple anymore. I'm sorry. But you can pray for me, because i'm totally lost.

Sudden urge to write a bedtime story...

2004-05-11T19:59:00.000-04:00

now playing: switchfoot - you

Once upon a time, there was a bedtime. And this bedtime was sooo tired of always getting pushed around by his owner. Every night, he seemed to get pushed a little bit further back. And then, just when bedtime was getting used to being a late-night event, his owner would decide to reset the cycle to early in the evening. And it would continue, on and on.

This bedtime decided to take matters into his own hands. He developed a scheme whereby HE would set the bedtimes, and if his owner didn't go to bed at that certain time, no matter how much sleep she got, she would never be QUITE rested. And, to make things worse, as soon as she started to figure out what the specific time was, he would change it.

Eventually she was so disoriented that the bedtime was able to take a vacation without her even noticing. So while she worked in Ontario, her bedtime vacationed on the beaches in Cuba, chuckling at the way he had managed to get back at her.

And the moral of the story is...
Bedsheets should have nothing to do with Cuban cigars.

Thought for the day

2004-05-10T23:57:00.000-04:00

now playing: switchfoot - only hope

It's amazing how much time you can spend doing nothing on a Monday night. And it's amazing how relaxing it can be.

Before i head to bed, i'll leave you with this:
You can be nice to someone and leave them happier. Or you can be good to someone and leave them better. The only difference is discerning love.

G'night.

Summer? Can it be?

2004-05-09T23:22:00.000-04:00

now playing: audio adrenaline - chevette (remix)

Whoa... new blogger... i'm too old for changes this extreme.

I've spent most of the weekend with my adopted family. They live down the road, and i'm their favorite child :). Basically, i go over occasionally and talk to 'mum' for hours on end while 'dad' listens on the couch and interjects occasionally, i make fun of everything and everyone, and they feed me junk food and make me watch movies with them. Man, i'm spoiled!

So... 4 hours of chat, 2 1/2 movies, 1 meal, and a WHOLE lot of junkfood later... i'm home again. Planning a trip to the movies, possibly a birthday party, still waiting on that road trip... It's definitely starting to feel like summer.

Mmmmmm.

2004-05-08T17:48:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - mystery of mercy

So i'm sitting here at my desk, in the most comfy clothes i own: flannel pants and a HUGE boca sweatshirt, about 5 sizes too big for me, just out of the dryer. In my basement, which is toasty warm for a change. Sipping on a latte. With a belly full of the first Japanese food i've ever had (i even learned how to use chopsticks). Listening to some of my favorite music. Considering doing an hour or two of work, with the comforting thought that that will probably finish off the two problems i've been fighting for the last four days. After a fun day of sleeping in and leisurely shopping with a good friend. And with the promise of a movie later to come.

God is good.

My God, my God, why hast Thou accepted me?
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God, why hast Thou accepted me?
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing!

Mmmm... no title of consequence

2004-05-08T00:16:00.000-04:00

now playing: oasis - wonderwall. this song STILL makes me want to do ballet. the timing is perfect for figures. and now that i've wierded you all out before even starting...

Hmmm... what to write about?

I could write some long boring blog about the work i did today... but that would serve little purpose other than to confuse you all and make you think that i actually know what i'm doing...

I could quote from my new favorite songs... but they're going to change again tomorrow.

I could wax eloquent about the importance of discipleship in the church. But i'll wait for that, until i'm actually discipling again.

And yet i'm still typing. For no apparent reason. What can i say? Blogging's addictive.

I don't mind if you don't.

Road trip, anyone?

2004-05-06T23:43:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - the high countries

Ok, so i'm ready to leave now. There's nothing for me here. Sorry guys, i love you all, but right now i'd rather be anywhere than here.

No, actually, that's not true. Not anywhere. I'd just rather be in Thunder Bay. Right now. Where i work with lives, not computer screens. Where my best friends live in the same house, not in another city. Where i actually spend more time speaking conversations than typing them. Where msn is a novelty, not a staple of my existence. And where there's junkfood.

Even though there's snow predicted in Thunder Bay for this weekend. Sickening as it is.

However... i have more than three weeks to get through. So until then, i immerse myself in Caedmon's, work, and MSN. And work my butt off to get everything done so that i CAN leave.

On hints.

2004-05-06T00:47:00.000-04:00

now playing: fastball - out of my head

Why hints?

I'm not talking about hints as in "jen's blog sounds sorta odd, maybe there's 15 Caedmon's Call references hidden in it"... i'm talking about a lifestyle in which people always have to read between the lines to know what you're saying. Where what's NOT being said is more important than what IS. AND takes more listening for. I would just like to say... ABSURD! IT'S ALL ABSURD!

Ahem.

What are the advantages of a lifestyle of pointedly not saying exactly what you mean?
1. You don't have to be vulnerable. At all. You make people guess what you're feeling and thinking. And then THEY get hurt if they get it wrong, NOT you. And if they use their guesses against you... you just pretend they guessed wrong. Perfect security.
2. You have a built-in hierarchy, with you at the top. You force others to serve you if they want any sort of friendship or relationship.
3. There's a built-in level of disdain. Because OBVIOUSLY if they can't read you, they don't know you very well at all. Except that you never let them know you in the first place...
4. You can assume that everyone lives by the same rules that you do. Which makes everything easier. Except that they don't... i mean, just because i know that anyone who's anyone plays with the napkin dispensers at Tim Hortons...

Ok, so basically, a lifestyle of veiled authenticity isn't really authenticity at all. It's just selfish, and it's going to hurt and confuse people. So stop it, all of you. And when i do it, stop me, too.

Granted, with some people you're going to have to be more pointed than others. With people that you know well enough, an off-hand reference to a situation might be all you need to do in order to completely communicate everything you need to. With others, you could spell it out for them, and it might still be an enigma. But that's not the point. The point is, are you willing to let someone know if there's something wrong? Communicate in a way that they understand, not simply a way that you're comfortable with? Are you willing to be upfront with who you are? Are you willing to stick your neck out once in a while, for their sake?

Tribute to Courtney

2004-05-04T23:47:00.000-04:00

now playing: deep blue something - breakfast at tiffany's

List of the day:
1. Free the apes
2. Curl eyebrows
3. Uncover police scandal
4. Beat up Chris D
5. Visit zoo
- a list i found on my desk.

Nonsense of the day:
G
was once a little goose,
Goosy
Moosy
Boosey
Goosey
Waddly-woosy
Little Goose!
- Edward Lear's Nonsense ABCs

Quote of the day:
"We had this sausage dispenser..."
- Me. To my chagrin.

Medley

2004-05-03T16:03:00.000-04:00

Sounds like there's a road trip in the making... Courtney and Star want to drive me to Thunder Bay when i go in june. We'll probably stop in Timmins, or maybe North Bay and the Sault... somewhere north of here. All i know is, Thunder Bay, i'm coming home.

Today has been a nightmare as far as work goes. Last week i was the savior of the month, but something's changed today. Like a corrupt database that crashes my system. And every update i've done so far only creates more errors than it solves. I just hope we can un-corrupt this file soon so that i can start making up for lost time.

Every time the phone rings, there's some new problem to solve. Hey, i'm just the programmer, what do i know? If this keeps up, i might not make it to thunder bay until the close of autumn instead of the beginning of summer. I'm just about ready to crawl into bed and pretend i'm not alive. Uh-oh that's Chris on the phone... is he calling me??

In other news... i've been listening to a LOT of music (trying to tune out the serious hum in my speakers)... and, in as far as my eyes can see, a certain band i've been listening to has some VERY covenant songs. Quite the controversy. The question is, am i smiling because i love the lyrics, or because i'm laughing at all you dispensationalists tuning them out? Oh well, i know you're all very glad that the truth's not contingent on me.

Ain't i funny when i'm grouchy? I tried, really i did

Welcome to Sunday School

2004-05-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

now playing: newsboys - million pieces

Taught Sunday School today. I tried to explain that God doesn't have a problem distinguishing between the goats and the sheep... He sees our hearts as clearly as we see peoples' outward appearance. He distinguishes between those who are His and those who aren't as easily as we can tell the difference between apples and oranges. I even did a little object lesson, where they had to sort apples and oranges into two piles, and we all laughed at how ridiculously easy it was.

Then, as i was leaving church, i saw almost my entire sunday school class surrounding one of the parents, explaining that on judgment day, "God's going to separate the apples from the oranges."

Stupid metaphors.

Happy Birthday Bitt!

2004-04-30T20:07:00.000-04:00

now playing: dc talk - supernatural

Today's my sister's birthday. And tonight i realized just how much my family has changed in the last few years. First of all, instead of having a whole bunch of girls over, what Bitt wanted to do was invite Ian (our brother) over and have a family gathering. Our party consisted of my family getting together for supper (pizza with a whole-wheat crust and low-fat cake - change #2). After supper, Mom watched the hockey game (that's a relatively recent development) while Ian and Bitt and Dad all played PS2 (i remember a time when anything remotely resembling a nintendo wasn't allowed in the house). But some things never change... like Dad with his new toys (he made some espresso for Ian) and the last-minute wrapping of presents (often involving plastic bags and toilet paper, coloured tissue paper on a good day).

Yeah, a lot has changed. For the better? So He says. But sometimes i don't quite believe it. Doesn't mean He's wrong... it means i don't see it. I don't exactly miss what was... i miss what could have been, and what should have been. When i look back, i don't miss all the hard parts of Ian living here... but i DO miss the opportunities for all the good parts... opportunities that are now gone. Or at least greatly diminished. Heck, i just miss IAN. A lot.

Ok, emotional moment is over.

It's been a short week. But a busy one. I'm not exactly exhausted... i'm pleasantly tired. I could probably sleep for a day though, i'm sure i've got at least that much catch-up to do. Maybe i'll stay in bed all day tomorrow... read a novel... that is, until the phone rings and i remember that i was supposed to send an email and upload all my lastest databases and fix that one bug that makes my whole system crash whenever i run that query... Oh well, that's what i get for living in my office. And i don't think i'd want it any other way.

Blessings

2004-04-30T00:24:00.000-04:00

now playing: the hockey game. in the other office. rob's watching it on mom's computer... i think he might be working too, because i can hear keys clicking

It's days like today that me realize how spoiled i really am. First off, not only did i get to see star, i got to see her all afternoon yesterday, all night, and most of today too. That's enough to keep me going for... at least a couple of days ;). Then, Rob showed up and brought the newest version of the database i'm supposed to be working on. The rest of my day was so productive that i didn't want to stop. There's something about mulling over problems for a few days, and taking notes until the solution's so close that you can almost taste it, and then finally putting the theories into queries and forms and code and making it HAPPEN: it's incredibly fulfilling. I think i've found my new strategy for work: never touch the code until i know exactly what i'm going to do, and can prove it on paper. Oh, and some of the problems i've been fighting with are ones that people have been complaining about longtemps... i can't wait to hear Chris cheer when he gets his update. On days like today, work is a lot of fun.

Oh, and i cleaned my room and my office... there's no clothes on the floor and the wires on my desk aren't driving me nuts anymore. So much easier. I even have my phone run to my desk, so i don't have to run to the other room when i hear my extension ringing.

My dad got an espresso maker the other day, and i learned how to use it tonight. Served up some espresso and cappuccinos. That REALLY makes me feel spoiled... i mean, how many people can actually say they have an espresso maker in their house? Incroyable. I'm not too fond of espresso, myself, which is probably a good thing, but i suspect that i'll soon be drinking as much cappuccino and lattes as my body can take (which isn't much... maybe one every couple days).

And the best part of it all was that six people showed up at my house to watch a movie with me. And contest who could drink an espresso fastest. And eat junkfood. And almost cry when we saw an iMac get run over by a semi. And watch another movie in spanish, with english subtitles. And laugh at the inconsistencies - and how they didn't do ANY justice to nicholas cage when they dubbed him over. It was beautiful.

Thank You, Father, for small blessings that add up to so much. Thank You for all You've given us that we can share with others. Thank You for friends who i am privileged to share my life with. And thank You for the peace that allows me to step back and see the blessings i have, instead of fretting about the blessings i think i don't.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him.
-Ephesians 1:3-4

The Discovery Network

2004-04-29T00:55:00.000-04:00

now playing: star's rendition of finger eleven - one thing

So... today...

...star discovered that she doesn't have to move her mouse when someone in ottawa can do it for her
...star discovered that bidding on campresso burr grinder, white, aka 'coffee grinder' is fun. especially when ctrl-h (NO! the OTHER 'h', aka 'r') reloads the website
...jen & star discovered that planning a movie night is not as easy (or spontaneous) as it should be with a group of college grads
...jen discovered that when your dad buys an espresso machine, the whole world is your best friend
...star discovered that it's 'espresso', not 'expresso'
...jen rediscovered how incredibly forgetful star is. especially regarding packing
...jen & star rediscovered how incredibly stupid jen's bathroom is
...star discovered that andymack doesn't always have his cellphone on him, but leaves a very nice voicemail greeting
...star didn't discover how to retrieve voicemail messages when she has no minutes left. (so... andymack...? any pointers?? she's too cheap to buy another phone card...)
...jen discovered that star can be just as excited about DQ pop-rocks as she was about sunglasses
...star discovered that jen hasn't seen HALF the classic movies she should've by now
...jen discovered that some 'classic' movies really shouldn't be
...jen discovered that star can be just as demandingly spontaneous as she is. well, almost as demandingly spontaneous. star didn't kick

...all readers discovered why jen & star shouldn't write late-night blogs together

Whipped Cream

2004-04-27T22:38:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - ballad of san francisco. just yesterday i found out that this song was recorded on a porch out in the country, and you can hear a truck drive past in the first few seconds. things like that make me happy.

Top five uses for whipped cream:
1. Dry skin? Apply liberally nightly.
2. Fruit flies? Shower using whipped cream instead of body wash. All flies in the area will forsake contaminating your food, and will congregate around you. After you've attracted enough, simply shower again, and hope the drowned flies don't clog your drain.
3. Need more dairy in your diet? You COULD eat the whipped cream... or you could apply the whipped cream to your hair daily. Eventually, when you shake your head, instant cheese curds!
4. Need more whimsicality in your life? By washing your glasses with whipped cream, you can achieve an oily layer that not only turns lights into star shapes, but it also generates rainbows in your peripheral vision.
5. After a Kids Club Carnival, reward children by giving them the privilege of taking a plate of whipped cream and shoving it in their leader's face (and hair). Yeah, that's right. Guess what i did tonight.

Randomness

2004-04-26T16:55:00.000-04:00

now playing: trapt - echo

Today i picked up where i left off last june, as far as my job's concerned... well, not exactly last june because i've still been doing some part-time stuff through the year. But i haven't worked fulltime for almost a year. I also got new glasses today, because Jag's demon-possessed car ate my old ones... with sunglasses, too! I haven't been able to wear sunglasses in YEARS. And i forgot how incredibly amazing they are! And the sky was SO blue today (especially when i took the sunglasses off)... and i'm going to a kids club tonight, except it's not mine, i just go once in a while.

My day has been like something out of an old wedding rhyme... something old, something new, something borrowed (does kids club count as borrowed?) and something blue...

And this blog, although written by Jen, sounds remarkably like a Star blog... what can i say? i spent a whole semester with her, you didn't think we'd rub off on each other? not even a little?? If you see her, tell her to visit me. Insist that she does. Kick her until she promises that she will come see me immediately on leaving the vicinity. You can do it, i have confidence in the power of the kick.

Reminiscing

2004-04-25T16:33:00.000-04:00

now playing: dumb as sheep - twilight

A while back i found my other (also autographed) dumb as sheep cd, and threw it on my computer. Immediately on listening to the first song, i was plunged back to the summer of 2002, which (i believe) was the last time i had heard it. And all of the emotions, all of the dreams and aspirations, everything came back all at once. Makes me wonder which songs will impact me most when i discover them 20 years from now.

Hold me, it's our last night under these stars
Don't cry, i'll be waiting for you on the other side

Funny, listening to it now, i'm pretty sure it's not a romantic song. But i was in a romantic frame of mind for most of the summer of 2002. (Girls, don't do that to yourselves, it only gets you in trouble.) Anyways, it brings back memories long put aside: memories of long-distance phone calls out on the deck under the stars, walks to the bridge, and constantly building castles out of clouds of dust. Some good memories, but mostly i wonder what i was thinking - reality was so thinly veiled that only the most determinedly blind could ignore it.

I'm in a bit of an odd mood, in case you haven't noticed. A bit reminiscent, a bit sad... mostly in limbo i guess. I'm a grad now. What's next? And when will it start? So i spend my time looking back, looking forward, looking out and then looking in... and waiting for the motivation to do something.

Masks in Mirrors

2004-04-25T01:01:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - dance

Who are you? When i look into your eyes, who am i supposed to see? When you act one way with the guys, another way with the girls, yet another way with me?

Who are you? When you talk to him, do you become who he wants you to be? When you sing with her, are you really who she thinks you are?

What significance are you finding? When you think everyone likes you, but suspect nobody loves you? When all respect you, but none trust you?

Are you simply 'flexible'? Molding yourself to meet needs, but never compromising who you are, what you stand for? Or are you a con artist, changing like the shifting shadows to get whatever it is you want?

My house is one of mirrors. And i can't bear to look anymore.

Live your life so that your secrets don't matter.

Cultivated Narcolepsy

2004-04-23T19:15:00.000-04:00

now playing: mxpx feat. dance hall crashers - my boyfriend's back

I have recently developed/acquired a new reputation: i can fall asleep on... the turn of a dime? the drop of a hat? Let's go with... practically instantly. I don't know how many times i've fallen asleep in the car during the 20-odd-minute drive from school to my home (don't worry, i don't drive, remember? i quit back on the 2nd). One of the couches in the school lounge is my second home; i've been woken up just in time for class more than once. On monday, i sat down in the school office to wait for my ride... and was woken up an hour later. Not even kidding. I was sitting upright, the phone was ringing, there were staff in the office, there were teachers going back and forth... and i was dead to the world.

Anyways, a picture of me sleeping (upright on a couch) made it into the yearbook. Even DanD (president of the college) has starting joking about this habit of mine. This morning he made a crack to Jag about setting up for grad - they didn't need the side rails for the risers, as long as they didn't put Jen on an end. (Ironically, i DID fall asleep during the grad rehearsal this morning, but it was only for a couple of minutes. And i didn't fall off the edge.)

What can i say? Instant power-napping. It's a developed gift, cultivated by weeks of late nights and a tired brain. Nothing that a regular schedule won't put right... well, here's hoping.

Our Great God

2004-04-22T18:03:00.000-04:00

now playing: phil collins & n'sync - trashin' the camp. yes, i own the tarzan soundrack.

This semester has been so intense. When i look over the big things that have happened in my life this year, they've all happened since christmas. My brother moved out. My best friend and accountability partner left the school. Various interpersonal conflicts. You all were witness to the discouragement-bordering-on-depression that i was struggling with for a while. Early on I prayed for patience and humility - both dangerous prayers that God may very well be answering, based on the mess my life seems to be. Yet, once again, God has proven faithful. My marks were higher this semester than last, and my friendships are stronger. While at Christmas, i was just about headed for a nervous breakdown, this time i'm alright (although very tired - don't get me wrong). After first-semester exams were done, i was looking for an excuse to leave; now, i'm looking for an excuse to stay. God is so good to me.

And not only has He proven faithful in what He's done for me, He's proven faithful in the ways that He's used me. I got all these encouragement notes from my classmates today, and if half the stuff they say is true, it's living proof that our God is an awesome God. In spite of all my selfishness, in spite of all my pride, in spite of all my self-consciousness, my classmates saw something in me that made them praise God. In spite of my unfaithfulness, God used me to prove Himself faithful. In spite of my weaknesses, God showed them His strength. I can't even imagine what they see. But they see God. And i'm overwhelmed.

That's what 'mercy in the middle' is. It's God's mercy poured out, into my life, into your life. In the middle of our ordinary lives, in the middle of our day-to-day existence. God's mercy is the core around which life falls into place. There is no seperation, no 'spiritual' and 'secular'. There is God. And there is living for God. In every thought, in every action, in everything. And there's this blog, which i only wish could reflect a life that's immersed in God, a blog in which a Godly mindset is apparent in everything i say. But a reflection can never be truer than the reality, and my life is a shadow of what it ought to be. Yet maybe God will use this to encourage someone today, or tomorrow, or many weeks from now. My God is big enough. His mercy is great enough. Mercy in the middle.

Shirley Temple

2004-04-19T19:54:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - lead of love

My mother's watching a Shirley Temple movie, her second this week. It's incredibly cutesy, predictable, and unrealistic (even apart from the musical numbers). Every time i take off my headphones i hear a line that's so sappy it makes me cringe. Someone shoot me now. To any Shirley Temple fans... Why??? Please let me in on the secret that has been so carefully hidden from me. Do i need to pretend i'm 5 again? Do i need to wish for curly hair? Do i need to be so overwhelmed by her cuteness (granted, she IS cute) as to ignore the dialogue, plot, and characters? Or is my obvious lack of appreciation for the finer things in life a clear indication of my mental instability?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

PS. Ever since saturday, my blog's been advertising for weight loss. Which suggests to me that i talk about food so much that my computer thinks i'm fat. Oh the irony. So, i have decided to stop talking about f**d, at least until it goes away. Call it a fast. Or something.

The Incredible Escapades of the Fly Squad

2004-04-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

now playing: newsboys - hallelujah

Workday at the school. Fun stuff. I had an AMAZING team, and we cleaned the flies out of (and replaced the lightbulbs in) all the fluorescent lights. In the main building AND residence. And for all you who think we got a wussy inside job, i would like to see YOU clean the fluorescent light on the roof of the stairwell (easily 15ft up) with nothing but a 5-ft stepladder, a garden rake, and a swiffer. That's right. We win. We're going out for shhhlushies. Another time, though, when i don't feel like i'm covered in dead-fly-dust.

Mmmmm.

Who am i?

2004-04-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

now playing: mercyme - where the weary find rest

Identity crisis? Possibly. More likely i want to make sure i haven't forgotten who i am (exams have a tendency to re-arrange/misplace the furniture known as 'memory' that is stored in my brain). Or maybe to make sure YOU haven't forgotten who i am. Or maybe who i think i am and who you think i am are two very different people (which would really be too bad, because i've been working SO hard to be authentic...). Either way, this is who i think you should know i am.

Assuming you know ANYTHING about me, you know i am 1) a Christian, 2) a girl, and 3) a student. But, if you know anything ELSE about me, this is probably what you know:

Three irreducible minimums (thank-you bruce wilkinson):
1. I love people. If there's people around, i want to be with them. It's not that i necessarily need to be the center of attention, i just need to be within sight/earshot of the center of attention.
2. I love to think. I'm one of the people whose hand always shoots up in class, to ask the most obscure questions, because i honestly want to know the answer. Or i'll pick someone and ask them a seemingly random question about Abraham. And if i don't get an answer i understand/agree with, i might very well hunt them down until i do (or they hide in the broom closet).
3. I love satire. Books, movies, everything... if it's intelligent and makes fun of something, i'll probably eat it up.

So if you haven't met me, this is who i think i am. In a nutshell. And if you met me a few years ago... numbers 1 and 3 have developed more since you've met me. And number 2 has a slightly less argumentative tinge to it than it used to. Slightly. And if you know me now... well... hi. Phone me up, we'll do coffee (or something without caffeine), i'm in town 'til June.

Day defined

2004-04-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

now playing: mercyme - draw me close

Schlemmertopf: A clay pot for cooking, baking, and roasting any manner of foods. Apparently easy to use, ridiculously difficult to wash.

"Pokemon!": The appropriate verbal cry of frustration and disgust resulting from cutting a finger on a tin can while attempting to wash said clay pot.

Stubbornness: The act of bandaging a 1/2" gash in a finger, and continuing to wash dishes one-handed, in order to prove oneself 'better' than a sink full of dishes.

Exhaustion: The mental state of a college student after a month of hard work, an evening of games, and a day of listlessness, dehydration, and loss of blood (no worries, it wasn't that bad). It's not even 8, and it's almost bedtime.

They've invaded my dreams.

2004-04-17T14:15:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - this world

Last night i dreamt that i was in a band. I was singing (lead? don't remember), ana was singing with me, chris s. was one of the guitarists, and... someone was on drums, shroom maybe? Dennis might have been directing, i know some choir-trips got mixed up in it, and pretty sure chuckleton was our manager. Also pretty sure we were singing Caedmon's Call songs that i've never sung before in my life. And there was something about hamburgers. And winning a car. That was an odd dream.

This has been a random moment with Jen. Thank you for being a part of this momentous event. All donations of food, money, and/or sanity can be directed to Jen (with one 'n'), c/o Kawartha Lakes Bible College.

now i'm waking up
now i'm breaking up
now i'm making up for lost time
'cause this world, this world has nothing

Robes from rags

2004-04-16T22:06:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

'Twas a good day. Even before the exam, i felt all my stress just melting away. I felt calmer than i've felt in... weeks. I went into the exam completely refreshed (and humming dc talk). It was beautiful. God is good.

'Twas a good evening. Met up with a bunch of folks at the park, had a few hours of frisbee, soccer, and football. If i can't get out of bed in the morning because my muscles are so stiff/sore, kindly give me a break since i can't remember the last time i've fallen so many times in such a short span of time. :)

'Tis, so far, a good night. DQ, then home. Listening to a caedmon's concert from '99, it's beautiful. I'll probably do some reading before i crash. Mmmm... sleep. Maybe hit the zoo tomorrow, maybe not. Freedom is a beautiful thing.

God is good. He loves me. I share in His love for Christ. How can i be discontent in His love? He has promised me the very best - His best. And if He takes away the things i cling to, the things i see as 'best', it's because He has something better planned for me. And, as always, i need to cling hardest to Him, the One who designs all things according to His good pleasure.

There you go working good from my bad
There you go making robes from my rags
There you go melting crowns from my calves
There you go working good of all I have
Till all I have's not that bad
- There You Go, Caedmon's Call

Almost through!

2004-04-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - derek's singing the oompa loompa song

Nearing the end of the crush, and i started to wonder how much work we (first-years) have actually done in the past... three weeks?

Since handing in soteriology on March 26, 2004, the following have been handed in:

Papers 1-3 pages: 2
Papers 4-9 pages: 3
Papers 10+ pages: 1
Memorized verses: 20
Notebooks handed in: 1
Required reading textbooks: 5
Requred books of the Bible: 28
Exams: 4

That's a weekly average of... 2 assignments, 6 2/3 verses, 1 1/3 textbooks, 1 1/3 exams, and 9 1/3 books of the Bible. And now that you're overwhelmed with the amount of work you've accomplished by God's grace: say a prayer of thanksgiving, pat yourself on the back, get some ice cream, and start studying for Old Testament. We're almost there.

I win!

2004-04-14T16:06:00.000-04:00

now playing: thousand foot krutch - lift it

Today i had the opportunity to explain to Jag the difference between couscous (pronounced 'koos koos) and kau kau ('kow kow). The first is a food that looks like tiny grains - sort of like pea meal. I think people put it in soup or something. The second is similar to sweet potato, and it's grown in New Guinea. And i don't think you'd ever need to know the difference between the two unless you were trying to make soup in New Guinea. Hence, Jag officially conceded that i am - for the day - the queen of useless information.

Bullied by a group of kids

2004-04-14T00:28:00.000-04:00

now playing: delirious - it's ok

Kid's club tonight. Sometimes i know i'm less than useless. Like when i'm sitting at a table with a group of 12-year-old girls, trying to help them with an origami bookmark. And when i'm nice, they walk all over me. And when i'm firm, they disrespect me in so many little ways that i'm overwhelmed thinking about where to even start dealing with it. My involvement in their life is simply furthering their disrespect for authority and authority-figures.

Ben reminded me that it's just like camp was. And he's right. Imagine a camp of 20 teenage girls (and 3 guys), and the vast majority of them decide to pick on one counsellor. Corporately. For no apparent reason. They just refuse to listen to anything she says, and make her life miserable in every way possible. What do you do in a situation like that? You PRAY. And you have LOTS of staff meetings. And you do whatever you can to protect and support and relieve the counsellor. And you use whatever semblance of authority you have left as a director to convince the kids that you really CAN do something about it. And that they don't want to mess with you. And you PRAY MORE. And while you do all that you can possibly do, and you know it's not making any difference at all, you watch and wait for the miracle.

Lord, bring the miracle!

Almost there

2004-04-12T14:44:00.000-04:00

now playing: five for fighting - 100 years

Today Steve fell for my prank essay, i won a toonie bet off Andymack, the lazer-tag boost from Saturday is starting to kick in, i've been able to stick to my reading schedule, and all-in-all the world is a beautiful place. Does that mean it's clear sailing from here? Not a chance. But i can see the shore, be it India or America.

Tonight i'm reading Jeremiah, Galatians, 50 pages of Ryrie's Systematic Theology, and studying for two exams. And i'm actually looking forward to it. But first, food.

Tired

2004-04-12T00:24:00.000-04:00

now playing: caedmon's call - close of autumn

Another long day. Another late night. If anyone needs a lesson plan to begin to address the problem of legalism among highschool students, let me know.

I'm rather tired, on a lot of levels. Choir is exhausting on a couple all by itself - bus trips still provoke a degree of claustrophobia, and road trips are always wearing. I'm still not really worrying about school, just working. And reading. And reading some more (done missions textbook, wOOt!). Emotionally i'm just about toast: i've let my mind wander into too many avenues that keep me from trusting God and others, and it has to stop. And consciously fighting against the subconscious is difficult to say the least.

So, yeah. "Tired" about sums up my entire existence. But i AM making progress, and the end is in sight. This week is our last week of classes, and i graduate (Lord and DanD willing) a week from Friday. And then... a day or two off before i start work again. Oh the joy of having 9-5 days with evenings free!

Have you ever...?

2004-04-11T00:07:00.000-04:00

now playing: watermark - take me there

Have you ever...

...eaten a waffle cone from the bottom?
...gone on a spontaneous road trip?
...got lost going to the same place... five different times?
...been excited about playing the Plinko bubble gum game?
...failed to notice that there was no bubble gum to BUY in the Plinko bubble gum game?
...had a group of strange guys ask you where the nearest party is?
...tried to suck ketchup up a straw without getting any in your mouth? (me neither.)
...had a friend soak you with water? In a McDonald's bathroom?
...had someone store salt in your pocket, "in case of witches"?
...had someone store straw wrappers in your pocket (in the shape of an 'M', assumedly for 'McDonalds'), no reason given?
...tried to follow a city map that only has three named roads?
...met someone who insisted on calling The Vibe's spotlights 'the devil's beacon'?
...noticed that good-looking guys tend to hang out at the gas station at midnight?

What can i say? It's been an interesting day.

Hmm...

2004-04-10T00:56:00.000-04:00

now playing: the crush - i'll find you by the sun. off their summer sessions recordings, personally autographed by riche while i was visiting his home in guelph. of course, that was before they were sixadrift... actually, it was before they were the crush. they were still dumb as sheep. BUT it still means i have connections, right?

Choir today. Long day in Toronto. We sang... three sets? I don't even remember, they all sort of blur together. But i think it was three. Lots of people, too. Seven hundred? Something like that.

Remember:
- 'U' in TULIP stands for 'universal election'
- Paul doesn't believe in total depravity (proof: I Thess. 1:9???)
- It's perfectly fine to quote Paul and then refute him in the same breath. Rom. 10:14

Trust.

2004-04-08T21:36:00.000-04:00

now playing: stray light run - it's for the best

All my studies are starting to fall into place. I'm far less stressed out, now. If i work hard, and use my time well, and stop worrying, God will work out the rest. He's big, and He'll enable me to do all that He wants me to. Even 'saving the world', but Star's exaggerating. A lot. Pretty sure i was just complaining to her.

I'm also learning to trust God more. Again. Always. See, i have this nasty tendency of finding good things in my life and wondering when God's going to take them away, or what i've done to cause Him to set me up for a fall. I don't believe that He would do anything 'above average' for me, because i know i don't deserve it. But, while i was preparing a devotion for cell group last night, God really showed me what i think of Him. I'm not at all convinced that He loves me. Which shows me how far i've fallen in the past month.

Romans 8:31-32
What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

God LOVES me. God has proved His love for me time and time again. I only have to look through some of my old journals to prove that. And the greatest proof of His love for me is that Christ died. CHRIST. For ME. And I'm adopted! I'm a member of God's family. It's an exclusive privilege. And, somehow, for reasons unknown to anyone, i've been invited! How could i ever doubt His love for me?

What He has for me is the very best. VERY best.

Of course, i can't use His love for me as a tool. I can't think that He's going to give me whatever i want, just because He loves me. That would undermine His love for me again! If the all-knowing all-powerful God limits Himself to what i think is best, then i'm not really getting the best at all.

God has a perfect plan for me. He asks me to trust Him.

Psalm 139:5-6
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Huzzah for GST credits.

2004-04-07T15:22:00.000-04:00

now playing: further seems forever - snowbirds & townies

First of all... I LOVE YOU STAR!!

Secondly... possibly one of the most annoying experiences in the world is having to wear clothes straight out of the dryer - that aren't quite dry. Especially hoodies. But especially jeans. But ESPECIALLY hoodies. Because then you're wearing this sweater that's supposed to keep you warm - but it doesn't at all. In fact, it just makes you colder until your body heat dries it. Which, in the case of a hoody, never actually happens. And possibly the worst thing about the whole experience is the knowledge that, after with another 15 minutes in the dryer, you could have had one of the most gratifying experiences in the world: wearing clothes straight out of the dryer that ARE completely dry. And SO nice and warm. *Sigh*

Third... Rob's coming to town tonight. He's a friend, and a co-worker. Which means i'm probably going to have to work tonight. And if i don't have to work, i'm going to want to play cards. SO... i need to get some schoolwork done. Now. NOW! Any time now... When you're ready, Jen... Wow, it's hard to motivate myself! Okay, i'm gone.

Quote of the day: "Not the panama canal"

Rest.

2004-04-06T03:52:00.000-04:00

now playing: riverdance - amanzi

I'm done. Done Ephesians. Even done a prank Ephesians, just for kicks.

God is good. He knows best. Change is always for the better, whether i know it or not. Thank you, Rooster, for sending me to my knees at 1:30am. I should've been there hours earlier.

Now... to sleep. And perchance to dream. But hopefully not. Going for a deep-past-dreaming-deep sleep tonight. This morning. However that works.

Dreaded expectancy

2004-04-05T18:29:00.000-04:00

now playing: jars of clay - hand

Something's going to change. I can feel it in the air. What will it be?

This group of individuals, so absorbed in our own lives, occasionally looking up to offer some unheard advice or to lend a half-listening ear... will the change be for us?

This schoolwork, this obsession of turning joy into pain, this frustration of always being two steps behind... will this be the ball I drop?

This job, this responsibility that i take so lightly, this work that only i am able to do and yet rarely consider important... is this where the change lies?

This dream, this half-truth, this wish that i have refused to let go... is now the time to bury it?

This goal, this desire, this passion... is now the time to recognize its grave?

Back to work.

Sandpaper on raw nerves...

2004-04-04T21:28:00.000-04:00

now playing: mewithoutyou - bullet to binary

And you all thought i had kicked my discouragement on friday... well, it's back.

As of 1pm this afternoon i needed to research in four books. Well, as of 6pm, i was done my second book, and had ANOTHER FIVE to go. Somehow, after working for five hours, i was FARTHER from the end than when i started! So, Calvin and Matthew Henry are going out the window in favor of Bruce, and here's hoping enough people said enough different things that i can talk about it for ten pages. I think this might be the hardest paper i've ever attempted to write.

Has anyone else noticed that the Holy Spirit is only mentioned in 11 verses? In the entire book of Ephesians? That's about 250 words per verse, isn't it? Well, it could be worse. We could have to write about the doctrine of the Holy Spirit in Colossians. Bruce says there's NOTHING in it. (<--- see that? proof i've been doing something!)

Have i mentioned that i'm losing my mind? Or that my house is hive of insanity? Or that all my hair's going to fall out because i'm taking so many calm-attempting showers? Or that i can actually feel the stress building in my body, because i can feel my heart rate increasing? Or that i'm still not allowed to drink coffee?

This shouldn't be this stressful. It's just a paper. It's JUST A PAPER.

I need coffee. Crap.

PS. The ad at the top of my screen is for flower-girl dresses. How odd is that? I mean, when i was raving about bubble tea, and it was advertising tapioca pearls, that made sense. But have i talked about weddings at all? Flirting, manipulating, boys & girls... no, don't remember anything about weddings. I was excited about being single for a while... no, that probably wouldn't do it either. Oh well. I have enough things to think about, I REFUSE to be allow random advertisements to make me discontent. So there!

More faithful

2004-04-04T16:35:00.000-04:00

now playing: skillet - more faithful (quite possibly my latest favourite song)

All the things my feet thought to be firm
Are falling with urgency
Tearing back my false sense of security
Some say things change, nothing stays the same
But the sweetness in my ears
Safe in your arms speak the words I love to hear

You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing the night will come
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons

All things I thought that I used to know
Are falling down again
Our disillusionment is how we grow
Some say things change, nothing stays the same
In a world of inconsistency
When everything's a lie,
What can cause my heart to believe?

You have been more faithful than the morning sun
You have been more faithful than knowing the night will come
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons

Another day, another essay...

2004-04-04T13:11:00.000-04:00

now playing: ap2 - my symapthies (yep, it's some of code's angry industrial)

I didn't sleep well at all last night. I'm not sure if my body simply didn't need as much sleep as i wanted to give it, or if my mind was running too hard to stop in spite of my body. Ask me in a few hours; if i've fallen asleep at my desk it was probably the latter.

I woke up to snow this morning. Really too bad. I might as well be back in Thunder Bay.

I made a really awful pot of tea. Really awful. I'm not sure how to screw up brewing a pot of tea, but i definitely did something wrong. I'm going to have to brew another one if i'm going to make it through the next... half hour? fifteen minutes?

Now starting my second day on Ephesians. I need to get all my research done today so that i can write my heart out tomorrow, and hand it in on Tuesday. One dictionary, three commentaries, ten pages... here goes nothing.

Feeling better...

2004-04-03T01:10:00.000-05:00

now playing: caedmon's call - what you want

I feel a bit better now. I had a nice long shower, and then did some fun stuff to my hair to give it volume. And boy did it work! I could be one of those girls on a shampoo commercial - you know, the ones who turn their head, and three seconds later their hair catches up? Seriously, i don't even think my hair's touching my neck, it's got so much lift. Scary stuff.

That, some pizza, and the promise of sponge cake & strawberries to come cheered me up a bit. I may not be able to drive, I may not be able to go through the day without making someone cry, I may not be able to accept a foreign thought without months of debate, I may not even be able to remember whether i'm using 'I's or 'i's... but i can finish my Galatians paper.

Two points left, and a conclusion. I'm almost there.

I quit.

2004-04-02T19:41:00.000-05:00

Driving. School. Girls. Boys. People (anyone not included in the above). But apparently not interfering. Nope, can't get out of that even when i try.

PS. You know that whole game-thingy where you try to get exactly one search result in a search engine? Try searching for "bummy sweater".

Of boys and girls.

2004-04-02T16:51:00.000-05:00

now playing: thousand foot krutch - small town. although it may be time to put on some of code's angry industrial rock.

I have one more reason in my life to advocate the NoMackPack (see andymack, feb 9). Except, a girls edition. Is there one yet? Make it happen, President Mackay. It's easy - in addition to bummy sweaters with the NoMackPack logo, order baby tees.

Girls! Watch out! We have so much power to manipulate, to flirt, to mindlessly take advantage of guys. Be careful! Don't play with minds, don't play with hearts. What possible advantage could it be to intentionally (OR unintentionally!) hurt people? Our own affirmation? So often we think so.

If you don't know whether you're flirtatious, LEARN. Ask a friend. Find someone to help you. It's better to be paranoid about NOT leading guys on, than to be leading them on unconsciously.

A test I ask myself occasionally (sometimes I pass, sometimes I fail):
Do i base my security on the last time a guy showed interest in me?
Am i more concerned about his welfare? or my own significance?
Do i think that i need to flirt to earn acceptance?

Failing any of those questions is grounds for a serious attitude-check. And serious prayer.

Lord, help us all!

New random stuff

2004-04-01T15:11:00.000-05:00

now playing: five for fighting - superman

Let's see... what's happened since Monday?

I'm in the 'external motivation required' work-habit stage again. Which means there's party mix in my bottom desk drawer, cookies in my top desk drawer, and chocolate milk sitting on my desk. No new funky pens (i've lost all but one of my colourful gel clickables from the break) but i got to use pencil crayons for my OT assignment. Not quite as fun, but amusing nonetheless.

I found a pattern. Mom found me material. The dress is in progress.

We played Dutch Blitz last night. GIANT Dutch Blitz no less. At least, the faithful KLBC remnant did (there were 12 of us). And it really was a lot of fun. That is, until Jordan accused Jenn of cheating, and Jon started throwing random cards into the middle, and their team won in 7 seconds flat. After that it sort of disintegrated. And we all went home.

Dealing with inclusivism. Don't ask. If you're bored, look it up.

Hmmm... I'm studying Galatians 3:23-29. And my interpretation is too obscure for people who don't care, and too simple for people who do. Calvin doesn't agree with me, neither does Matthew Henry, but I think that Lange does. Haven't got through him yet. But i made Yuille think, so i must be on the right track, right?

What else? I really need to start writing interesting blogs again. But i really am too braindead at this point in time. I'll blame it on... the change in weather... combined with recent politics... too much Michael W. Smith this morning... and possibly a heavier-than-normal workload. Maybe. But mostly the weather ;)

Those dang dresses.

2004-03-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

now playing: caedmon's call - i just don't want coffee

I was going to blog earlier, but i remembered i hadn't done my devos. It's amazing how helpful accountability is, even when i only know of a few people who've read my blog, let alone are holding me accountable. Nonetheless, i couldn't blog until i had done my devos. But i've done them now, and i'm blogging with a clear conscience and a lighter heart.

I went dress-shopping tonight with my mom and sister. Dress-shopping is always hard, but when there's two graduations in one spring, it's harder. We went pattern-shopping, and fabric-shopping, and after we STILL hadn't found anything - neither my sister NOR i - we went mall shopping. Still nothing. See, i thought i'd be able to find a dress really easily! I was just looking for a long-ish sundress with an empire-waist. But could i find anything? Not even close. And my sister, she wants a dress exactly like my formal dress. Same pattern, same fabric, same colour... basically, as close to my dress as mom and i will possibly let her go. Except she wants sleeves. And do you think we could find a pattern that worked? Fat chance. Sigh.

At least I got to drive. Although my brother looked a little anxious getting into the car. (He provided my first back-seat-driver experience. And it wouldn't have been so bad, except that he and mom couldn't agree on what i should do. So i had to tune BOTH of them out.) Oh, and my sister didn't want me to drive. But that's just because she kept on calling 'shotgun', and then realizing that mom HAD to sit in the front seat, otherwise i couldn't drive legally.

If i had three wishes... A grad dress. A driver's license. And a partridge in a pear tree.
But if i had TEN wishes... that should cover all the assignments due in the next few weeks.

Back to work.

My confession

2004-03-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

I have a confession, so humor me, please:
It's been almost a month since i've been on my knees.
And i watch myself harden, each message that's preached
As i sink into a hole that can never be reached.
I scream out for help - i cry out to the sky;
And then i shun all who attempt to reply.

Yet something keeps fighting, it won't go away:
This little voice keeps on insisting, "Just pray!"
'Just pray'? That's too easy! There has to be more!
There must be some way i can settle the score.

But i have no power, my effort's in vain.
So i watch me grow bitter and hide my own pain.
I watch as my mask will disguise all my tears,
Paint over my wounds, yet embrace all my fears.
And i watch as the rules become very appealing -
The state of my mind is oh so revealing.

And i search for comfort, i search for release:
Was there ever a time when i really had peace?
And all through my wand'rings I'd blame it on God -
"My faith is HIS problem," i'd say with a nod.
Life without living is truly a lie:
When you run from the Father, you run to the sty.

I'm sorry to all of you with whom i live:
I've been running on empty with nothing to give.
And i wouldn't confess it, never let you see;
My own reputation's too precious to me.
Please don't be like me, please stay away!
Read Pyro's poem - TODAY is the day!

This story's not over, i'm glad that there's more,
For tonight i remembered CHRIST settled the score!
There's no condemnation, i'm free to obey!
So i dropped to my knees, and then started to pray.
I prayed for fogiveness, i prayed for release,
I prayed for comfort, and i prayed for peace.

This battle's not over, it's only begun,
But now i know one thing: i'm still like a son.
Please pray for my hardness, there's still so much there!
Please pray for the grace not to turn to despair.
And if you should see me, please don't shy away.
Feel free to remind me, "Have you prayed today?"

Definitely spoiled.

2004-03-27T22:30:00.000-05:00

now playing: well... nothing. but rachel's on the phone, does that count? it's rachel b, and i'll give you three guesses who she's talking to, but if you need more than two-and-a-half you are hopelessly out of touch with the klbc student-life.

I'm now blogging from London, at my billet. And, i have to say, choir trips SPOIL me. I'm surrounded by people (that's a good thing), i'm always fed TONS of food (also a good thing), and i get billetted at the coolest places. Tonight, Rachel and i are at this really nice house: we have a whole floor to ourselves, with a bed for each of us, a computer for each of us, even a TV for each of us! Everything's cable, wireless, and "really really really really good-looking" (zoolander quote, compliments of rachel. but she hasn't seen it. it's a bad movie.).

Trying to do schoolwork on choir trips is hopeless. At least, it is for me, and i haven't heard differently from anyone else yet. Reading, however, is another story. And i read a LOT on the bus today. Sometimes sitting normally on the seat, sometimes sitting backwards (props to Jolene, who introduced me to the comforts of backwards-sitting), but shifting positions at least once every five minutes. And i think that i read at least 50 Bible chapters, and a big chunk of my OT textbook. Another 10 hours in a bus, and i might actually finish my Bible reading! Then i can finish up all those required-reading textbooks...

I'm definitely feeling better than yesterday. My exhaustion has settled to a comfortable fatigue, thanks to a five-and-a-half-hour nap yesterday afternoon, and another eight hours of sleep last night. But don't worry, i'm not going to be up all night tonight. I'm still tired. You never REALLY catch up on sleep.

G'nite all

have you seen my energy? i seem to have misplaced it...

2004-03-26T13:18:00.000-05:00

now playing: santana - why don't you & i

Done soteriology. And i'm not even excited about it. Possibly because i finished at 5:00 this morning. Maybe after another 9 hours of sleep i'll be able to jump up and down for joy. But right now... not a chance.

I'm exhausted. To the point of tears. And that's twice in two weeks.

I'm going to go to bed. That is, after i pack for another choir trip and sort out my lecture notes and compile my rough work for the 5 essays to be handed in over the next two weeks. Because sleeping is negatively affected by the amount of work hanging over my head. And since i don't get to sleep for long, i want to sleep WELL.

Convincing myself i'm making progress...

2004-03-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

now playing: sarah mclachlan - fallen

Three definitions down (rough draft, at least), seven more to go. All my research is done, now it's just remembering how it all fits together. Ana's been here working with me every day for the past three days, and she's here now. She's sleeping, though, in the hopes that she'll be able to work far into the night. It's almost time to wake her up, but i'll give her the next two minutes.

How ironic that i was 2/3 done my project before this week began, but yet it seems i still have just as much work to do as anyone. Working every day and every night, all week... Proof once again that the work you have to do is always slightly more than the time in which to do it. There you have it, folks. Jen's law of relativity. Or something.

Time to go wake up Ana. And get back to work.

quote of the day:
"We're running around with chickens like our head's cut off." - Stephen Yuille, 2004

a moment in the life of a jen

2004-03-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

now playing: switchfoot - meant to live
although actually, the song's already changed, and i'm sure it will change a number of times before i'm done. and i would keep track of how many times, but that would involve counting past 'a couple'. and i don't think i'm up for that.

now reading: michael dahl - the viking claw (a kids thriller)
c'mon, gimme a break, i couldn't sleep last night and it was under my bed

now eating: flatbread - dipped in salsa sauce. i like flatbread. and when i'm done, i'm going to eat cookies. oatmeal-raisin and ginger-would-snap-except-there's-too-much-butter cookies.
and at this point, some of the more aware/observant of you are thinking, "jen, you like all kinds of bread." and at this point i say, "what's your point?"

now eating off: a plate (bread) and a cup (salsa) that match
and i don't think i've ever actually noticed that we have this matching set. talk about observant. and i used to think i was sherlock holmes... once i grew out of anne of green gables, that is

now avoiding: capital letters of all varieties. and soteriology assignments. of all varieties.
no additional comments

now wishing for: more flatbread. new eyeglasses. a small slave (preferably in the form of a theologian).

quote of the day:
"jen, you have two options. you can listen to me sing... or you can turn on the radio." - ana lugo, 2004

Trogdor meets DanD

2004-03-23T15:57:00.000-05:00

Now playing: jet - are you gonna be my girl
Now reading: done buchanan, still working through 15-odd soteriology books

Jonah was a fish!
Well... he was a... prophet-fish!
Well... he was... just a prophet!
But he was still JONAH!!!

And with that, welcome to Old Testament Survey 102. I am way-the-heck behind in it. Actually, i suspect that in spite of my mad rush over the break a few weeks ago, i am way behind in every class. I have one more month to get all these assignments done. And read the rest of the Bible (only 475 chapters to go!). And memorize, what, 30 OT verses? See that? i can't even remember how many prophets there are in the OT. Can you say "overwhelmed"? Can you say, "time to get motivated, Jen"? Everyone together now. Maybe it'll sink in if enough people tell me.

In other news, if you ask me to quote Ephesians 1:3-14, i may indeed be able to do it. Provided you can tolerate my singing (don't worry, NOT to the tune of Oh Canada). And provided you don't care about proper punctuation or sentence structure. And if you remind me how that one line goes...

Do you think they had thatch-roofed cottages in Nineveh? It was a pretty big city... maybe they had apartment buildings!

Masks

2004-03-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

now playing: ballydowse - open the records

Masks. So subversive. Are masks always verbal lies? Or are they simply not revealing who you are? If nobody asks me how i'm doing, and i don't tell anyone i need help, is that a mask i'm assuming? A mask of normalcy - continuing in the same routines, not because i gain anything from them, but because i have to? Because if i stop functioning in the routines, it becomes apparent that i have nothing to give? That i'm the shell it feels like i am?

Pray. Pray for me. Because i can't. And it's all i can do to ask for help.

Contemplations

2004-03-21T23:52:00.000-05:00

now playing: jimmy buffet - escape (the pina colada song)

I've been blogging twice-a-day every day since thursday... so here's another one for today. Might as well, since i'm running out of ways to avoid homework.

After i installed my media player, i ran the search-thingy to find all my music files and dump them into a playlist. Unbeknownst to me, it also found some extra files - like some 'millionaire' files, and - get this - my antivirus sound files. So i'm browsing online, listening to my music, when all of a sudden i hear the virus alarm go off and this voice saying, "Warning! You have a virus!" Except that the Avast! window's not popping up, and everything looks normal. I'm wondering what's wrong with Avast!, until i realized that my normal music isn't playing. And then i check my player. Yup, it's playing the Avast! virus alert file. Crazy stuff.

My black pants were about an inch too short to be comfortable. Really nice pants, just slightly too short. So this afternoon i put my sewing expertise (sorry, are you choking on something? Yeah, ok, no expertise here. We'll call it... negligible skill) to use and re-hemmed my pants. And admittedly, they might look a little bit odd where the old hem used to be, but they're long now. Which makes me far more comfortable and far less self-conscious. Isn't the purpose of clothes to avoid notice? (Which might work for me, except for the retro shirts i bought last weekend... and the flannel pants... shoot.)

Code and i have been chatting about layers. The way we can give something to God, and then realize that there's more to give. And give more, and then more, and then even more... and yet we can still be hurt/affected by it. And it's not even that we're taking it back from God (although sometimes that's the case), but that there's more aspects of it in our life than we ever realized. Like... plans for the fall. I give them to God, and He changes my heart, gives me the desire to come back to KLBC. And then i latch on to that. But mom wants me to shop around, and BOOM, i'm got a new aspect of my future plans i've got to give to God - my parents. And then i have to get used to the idea of going to toronto - another layer. And then i start worrying... and all of a sudden i'm stealing back from the altar on which i lay my plans. I'm so faithless. It takes so much to give up the smallest worry... and then i realize just how imcompletely i gave it up.

Hmm... what else? Oh, right. Tonight we performed (choir, that is) in Peterborough. My parents were there, and a whole pile of people i know (including Mack's grandma, who i know - but didn't realize it. But that's another story). I was struck by the odd-ness of it all. Just the fact that some of the people there hadn't seen me in 5+ years, but they saw me playing a whistle for two songs and all of a sudden they know everything about me. Some people even congratulated my parents on how well they raised me. In spite of the fact that i publicly stated that i didn't agree with the KLBC profs on everything (still not sure if i need to apologize to Danno, feedback on that one would be nice). So, what is this? 'Christian community'? Using Spirit-born unity as an excuse to not actually get to know anyone? I suppose you could say i'm stretching the point - after all, it WAS a city-wide event, not like my church community or anything. Except that my church community, for the most part, is the same way. Isn't yours?

We can have nothing in common. Except for Christ. And He is MORE than enough for any unity. BUT that doesn't mean that we can just busy ourselves with our own lives and not invest in other people! No, the very unity that He provides is SO THAT we can enjoy that unity - in community, in loving people, in being loved by others. And i insist that no one can show love most fully by sitting on a church pew once a week.

Finishing Well.

2004-03-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

now playing: five for fighting - 100 years
now reading: edna buchanan - suitable for framing

Finishing well? How can i finish well when every day is full of far more failures than successes? How can i win when the battle is against myself? When i'm constantly slipping between legalism and fatalism. One says "I have to do it all myself," and the other says, "There's nothing i can do, so why bother?"

When the race is so intangible, when everything i've known is wrong, when knowing is nothing and having is nothing and being is nothing but RELATIONSHIP is everything. When anything that doesn't come out of relationship has to be stripped aside, revealing the shallowness of my existence. When i get to the bottom of every pit i've ever known, and still refuse to cry out. When words are better unsaid, when prayers are better unprayed because of their insincerity. When YOU are so far away as to seem like a figment of my imagination.

When even this conviction lasts only a moment. Finish well? I can't even run well.

Father, fill this valley.

Woohoo!

2004-03-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

Now playing: newsboys - step up to the microphone
Now reading: hmm... good question. we'll say soteriology textbooks. a dozen of them.
Now blogging from: MY OWN COMPUTER!!

I have Windows. I have a network. I have internet. I have music. MSN Messenger 6.1 is working on my computer for the first time ever. Ditto for Kazaa. I have Office. My email is downloading to my computer for the first time in months. I have no viruses. I have all my files. My computer will consistently reboot with no problems. I even have a monitor with more than 16 colours!

I'M SO HAPPY!!!

My weekend... as far as schoolwork goes, it was useless. As far as blogging goes, apparently i had a lot to talk about out. Or something. As far as my computer goes, i can't get over how beautifully everything works! And i even had time to go to a surprise birthday party for Rachelle - i mean, Heather. That's right, Heather.

Props to MegMoo for her pick-up lines of the night:
"Hey, you're cute, come here."
and "Hi, I hear you like bananas."

I am exhausted. And it's not even 9pm yet. But i might just go to bed anyways. G'night all.

The saga continues...

2004-03-20T11:43:00.000-05:00

Now playing: Nothing. Because my internet doesn't work yet, and i can't download a media player. And since my network doesn't work, my music's still sitting on dad's server...
Now reading: Nothing. But no trauma here, i just finished The Courtship of Princess Leia.
Blogging from: Daddy's laptop. And boy, is it ever pretty! XP and everything... except the 'home' and 'end' keys are definitely in the wrong place.

Now that i've seen Leia and Han safely married - i didn't spoil the ending, did i? come on, you KNEW it would happen - i'm back to work on my little computer. This morning my network started to work... with a total of one visible computer on the network. Mine. A network of one might be a very useful thing. Never mind, i can't think of a single scenario in which it would be remotely useful. But this IS progress. From here it should be a relatively easy step to get internet, even if i can't get a network, and even if i have to go through the proxy server... Here's hoping, at least.

Last night i went out for mexican food and a movie. But before you get carried away, let me just say that although my father is a wonderful man, i am by no means dating him. And although my mother and sister are very important people in my life, i don't bring them on typical dates. Yup, it was a family trip to Mexicali Rosa's and Hidalgo (good movie, i know what "shtay" means). I haven't been on a family date like that in a while - definitely since before my brother moved out. It was fun. And i got it better than Star, who was on a REAL date, but didn't get the mexican food. Oh, and by the way, ask Star about her tongue-ring...

Time to get back to my computer. Except i'm a little bit scared to, in case i screw things up. Hence the blogging, i suppose. But hey, i can always re-format it again, right? Here goes nothing...

Stupid computers.

2004-03-19T23:17:00.000-05:00

I finally bit the bullet and reformatted my hard drive today. Rob (dad's technician) was all for simply re-naming the old Windows file and re-installing it, but when we tried booting up in Knoppix and it was having a hard time even READING the hard drive... well, we decided it was about time to wipe the slate clean. So i dumped all my personal junk/files on dad's server, and then wiped everything away.

Now the fun bit. Re-installing.

The good news: So far Windows has gone in smoothly (still 98 though, we don't have a spare XP floating around yet). And it boots up in seconds! And Avast! works, even after having rebooted numerous times. I also managed to burn onto cd most of the drivers i need BEFORE i reformatted, which should (theoretically) save me a lot of trouble.

The "really-hoping-all-this-was-worth-it" news: My monitor drivers have gone missing in the shuffle, so i'm still looking at a 16-colour screen which my Control Panel fills entirely. I've never been any good at networking, so even though my computer can ping the other computers, it can't see the network and the other computers can't see it - which means i have no network and no internet. I forgot that Windows doesn't come with a Zip program, so i had to find one, burn it, and then install it on my machine so that i could GET to the drivers. And i'm typing all this from my mom's computer. Of which i am rapidly becoming envious. VENT VENT VENT.

I think it must be bedtime.

Pizza Talk

2004-03-19T15:52:00.000-05:00

So, once upon a time, in a deli downtown (you know, the one beside the coffee shop), as i walked in for my usual one-slice pepperoni pizza...

Dough: You know guys, i used to feel loved in this oven. I used to feel needed. But now i'm just pushed around.
Sauce: What are YOU complaining about? I'm always in the middle! I just get dragged into everything!
Pizza cutter: Do i have to break this up?
Cheese: Don't worry, i got it all under control. Always on top of things.
Crust: Don't worry about me. I'll just stay on the outside. Where i belong. Always looking in. Nobody worries about the crust. Unless I'm stuffed with cheese. Then, all of sudden, people start to notice.
Cheese: Don't get burnt up over it!

As i was listening in amazement, enter the toppings.
Ham: Does this cheese make me look fat?
Pineapple: From a tropical point of view... definitely.
Pepperoni: Hey, what's going on with Doughboy?
Ham: No, seriously guys, do i look fat?
Pepperoni: Shut up, Porky!
Onion: I'm sad when people are angry! starts crying
Green Pepper: I can't believe it. Here we go again.
Pepperoni: That's enough, Crybaby! You're making everything smell.
Onion: I can't help it! I get emotional this time of the... day.
Mushroom: Pepperoni, it's a good thing we're not all as hot-tempered as you are!
Green Pepper: Mushroom, if we wanted your opinion we'd ask for it. You're cut.
Mushroom: Oh yeah?
Green Pepper: Yeah.
Mushroom: Oh YEAH?
Green Pepper: YEAH.
Mushroom: Okay.

Can you tell that Star's been visiting?

Home alone

2004-03-18T18:48:00.000-05:00

now playing: caedmon's call - april showers

My family's gone for the day, and i'm home alone for the first time in... a long time. And what do i do when i'm home alone? It's quite pathetic, actually. I sew. Yup, sew. This afternoon i re-sized my very cool plaid-flannel-flared-pants. I think i'll wear them to school tomorrow. Here's hoping DanD doesn't think they're pajama pants and say i can't wear them. Oh, and my music's cranked way up - the bass is on full, which means caedmon's call is rocking my house. Very exciting. Hmm... what else? I've been eating some Bits & Bites... why do they put shreddies in a party mix, anyways? I don't understand. Oh, and i also went driving. One has said that i'm a pretty good driver. Except for the little things (ie. checking mirrors, signalling, braking, you know...) I should probably be doing homework. In fact i know i should be doing homework. But i don't want to. And right now, that's all that i need to put it off. However, i really do need to do the dishes before my parents get home. And probably eat something, too. And read Star Wars. In front of the fire. Did i mention how pathetic i am?

Three cheers for lack of motivation! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip... meh.

Feeding the multitudes

2004-03-18T15:19:00.000-05:00

now playing: third day - agnus dei

When i look at the world around me, and see all the hurting people, what am i to do? When i walk down the streets and see the homeless begging for spare change; when i turn on the tv and hear about the starving multitudes; when i log onto msn and chat with a little girl who's getting deeper and deeper into sexual sin. What do they need? They need Christ. Money without Christ will not provide; food without Christ will not satisfy; purity without Christ is only a shadow. But does that mean that i don't help? No, it can't.

My heart is breaking. How do i help? When Christ is the answer, how can i even try to offer something less? How can i hope to offer advice, how can i bear to warn her about physical, emotional, psychological consequences, when she is so spiritually devastated? Yet she won't listen to anything else, and i can't bear to see her hurt herself in the way she wants to. There's so much i want to save her from.

Is it wrong to want to protect her from herself? Is it wrong to try to help her, to make her more 'moral', i guess, if she rejects Christ? Is there any point to it? My head tells me there's none. That all the 'moralizing' in the world can never get her into heaven. Which is the real issue. And i KNOW that. But Jesus fed the multitudes, He met their physical needs even though that wasn't the important part.

So what do i do? I cry these tears. I desperately shout out, proclaiming our need. I declare the glory of God in the face of Christ. The forgiveness of sins. Freedom from all things that the law - any law - could never free us from. And then i look around for the means to feed the multitude. To heal the sick. To cast out the demons.

I wish i could make you understand. This heartbreak. This desperation. I wish i could write poetry like code instead of rambling in prose like jen. But i suppose the rambling will have to do.

Father God,

Work in my life. Make my compassion godly. Meet peoples' needs through me, i pray. Give me a vision of Your love for me, and for the people i witness to, day-by-day.

Be my vision.

Things to be excited about

2004-03-17T23:04:00.000-05:00

-> 3-hour naps in the middle of the afternoon.
-> Memorizing Ephesians to music.
-> Spontaneous poetry about Malachi. Especially when you get marks for it.
-> Gel candles. The colourfull, smelly, sparkly kind.
-> I can listen to Derek Webb without going into convulsions (they were good convulsions, but annoying after a while).
-> Singleness. Yes, it is possible to be excited about being single. Doesn't happen often in my life, i'll admit, but tonight is one time.
-> Strangers who become incredibly close over three days.
-> Exams that get postponed.
-> The lack of bustrips for one weekend.
-> Juice. All kinds. Except maybe grapefruit.
-> Arby's. In general. I haven't eaten at an Arby's in months, but they exist, and that makes me happy.
-> Tortilla chips with salsa.
-> Flavored coffee. Without the coffee part. Shoot, not so exciting after all.
-> Chicken breasts that aren't dried out.
-> Okay, okay. Food in general is exciting.
-> Finding out that i'm right about properly using commas in lists.
-> Other people getting excited enough to write in my blog.
-> An end to responsibility.
-> My finger's not bleeding anymore (funny, i didn't notice it stop. or start, for that matter).
-> Star Wars books (which i thought were quite good literature when i first read them 8 years ago... but now i'm not so convinced. still fun, though).
-> All the things there are to be excited about.